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Wednesday, June 25, 2014


 we were caught up and lost in all of our vices...  in your pose as the dust settled around us...

The last few weeks have been a little crazy.  I'm between offices at work.  My OCD brain can't hang when there is complete disorganization.  Working out of bag of paperwork being dropped off and picked up between offices.  It frustrating and causes a bit of chaos in my already chaotic thoughts.  I've developed a little bit of heart flutter, but I have been there before so I know it's stress that is making me crazy.  I'm also in the midst of planning a surprise party for my mother and I'm still waiting on RSVPs from some of her friends which is pissing me off.  I want to order balloons and favors already and I can't do that without a fucking head count.  Also, keeping this secret from her and worrying about if she's actually going to be surprised is totally fun considering I tell my mother everything.  So yea, stress.  I have a few tools that help me decompress a little bit, but there's only so much they can do before my body is like NO THERE'S TOO MUCH STRESS.  THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.  You know, because my body has a voice of it's own.

Anyway, still dealing with a lot of grief and guilt after my friend Mike passed away a few weeks ago.  That's another layer that's trying to push its way through the internal chaos.  It constantly needs to be felt and I don't have time for needy feelings like that.  I wake up everyday with this blank feeling.  Grateful that I'm alive and surrounded by the greatest people on earth, but I know my friend is not here and I just have not come to terms with that.  Grief is a really funny thing.  It fucks with you.  I remember not long after my step father's death I acted out A LOT.  Was drinking to the point of blacking out or being totally belligerent.  Angry at the world for taking away a giant piece of my heart.  I was 20 years old when he died.  I'm 33 now.  I am far too busy to get black out drunk to forget my feelings.  And I'm old enough to know that any substance won't make it go away.  I'm old enough to know that the feeling is even worse when you wake up because not only do you remember, but you've also got a wicked hangover and lots of people to apologize to.  So yea, none of that.  Plus, Mike died because he suffered with addiction and I really feel like numbing my pain with drinks or substances is kind of counter productive and an insult to everything he was trying to overcome.

So what do I do?  The best I friggin can at this point.  I'm eating healthier and trying to just keep my head above water so I don't fall back into bad habits with junk food and garbage that will only make me feel worse.  I have been throwing myself into work just trying to keep all of my priorities straight so I don't fall behind.  It just scares me that the underlying feeling behind everything right now is sadness.  There are so many words that have been left unspoken and I'm not ok with that.  I miss my friend.  Period end of story.  I feel like I'm ok and then something brings on a memory of him and I'm back to square one.  That's awful.  I just want to go back to being me.  I want things to be back to the way they were.  I mean, my shit wasn't straight to begin with but at least I didn't feel sad all the time.  And I can't even explain the sadness to anyone because no one will really understand.  We didn't hang out or talk everyday, but we talked and we were there for each other.  And whenever I was extremely sad, he could always bring me out of it.  I knew I could go to him and he would be there and vice versa.  So what do you do when the person who helped you through sadness is the reason why your sad?  I guess I need more time to feel my way through this shit, I just wish so badly that I didn't have to. 

I guess I should get back to work.  Taking a break to write this blog has already taken away time I don't really have and made my brain all fuzzy.  I'm going to keep pushing through.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do.  And I hope that one day soon the air will finally clear and I'll get a little time to breathe.  Until then...

but if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

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