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Tuesday, May 28, 2013


'cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul  I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go... just put your hand on the glass I'll be tryin' to pull you through. you just gotta be strong...

I'm just going to give you a quick pre-cursor to this post.  I know it's going to go all over the place, please try and bear with me.  Today is a day of a lot of crazy thoughts that I can't shut off making my anxiety sky rocket.  So I thought that writing might help, so here I go...

This song that I started with, Mirrors by Justin Timberlake, has literally been the bane of my existence since he sang it on the fucking Grammy's.  Here's why.  Society has a way of seeing people's reaction to shit, seeing a LOT of people like it, and then they force feed it down your fucking throat whilst blowing so much fucking sunshine up the artist's ass.  Now, I love JT.  He is a triple threat and I adore him.  I have been a fan since his Mickey Mouse Club days, like I paid for the Disney Channel with my allowance.  So yea, JT is the shit, I have no doubt about it.  But when the radio stations play it TWICE in an hour, I can't.  My co-worker plays a little clock radio all day.  She sits behind me and so it is very faded in the background of my workday.  But this song.  This damn song.  It always manages to work it's way into the ole ear drums and since I'm Angry Me now, everything drives me fucking crazy.  Especially hearing Mirrors 52 times before lunch. 

This weekend we road tripped to Boston.  And I made one of my besties explain the song to me.  It sounded so sweet.  And then I looked up the lyrics, and it IS so sweet.  Except it's been driving me bananas for the last few months because I am being force fed.  I like to think I am a rebel.  I will like shit because I like shit, not because everyone else likes shit.  And when a radio station jams music down my throat, I'm all "I hate this song!"  I will like it when I'm good and ready.  Well, this morning... This anxiety ridden morning, I decided I was good and ready.  I watched the video and was bawling like a moron at my desk.  It's precious and yanked at my cold heart strings.  Well played JT, well fucking played.

Anyway, every fun thing I do is usually followed up with anxiety.  I had a really great time this weekend with great people.  I go away and forget all of my problems.  I distract myself with new things and thoroughly enjoy myself to the point of making myself sick with frantic thoughts when I get home.  It sucks.  I have never been a fan of reality and a chance to escape is always a treat.  My relationship is fantastic, he is the love of my life.  But his ex is horrible.  And she is always ready, willing and able to bitch about something.  I'm so used to it that I can predict it now.  And it makes me sick.  And I let those thoughts creep in after the fun is over and it sucks.  So that's what's been picking away at my brain today.  So I finally gave in to watching the Mirrors video, cried my eyes out because it's fucking beautiful and now I'm here. 

I am strong.  I know I am.  I can deal with shit like a champ when people need me to.  I'm not really strong for me, but I'm strong so I can handle it.  It's so easy to say that life is too short and live life to the fullest.  When you are crippled with fear and anxiety, it's kinda hard to let everything go.  I'm like E.T. the Extraterrestrial.  I feel everyone else's feelings.  I try to be compassionate and kind when I can.  But I have to stop doing that.  Not stop caring, but stop taking on feelings that aren't mine.  I have always done that, so it's going to be really difficult for me to just stop, but I'm working on it.

My future is uncertain. And I feel like I'm running out of time to make decisions.  I know I'm still young, but it feels like yesterday that I was really young and had my whole life ahead of me.  I'm not where I should be according to certain standards, and I try to tell myself that it's ok.  On days like today, I sit and wonder if it's really ok or if I'm just saying it.  I think I'm ok with it. I don't want to live my life without special friend, so I guess it has to be ok if he's who I want to spend my life with.  I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to afford another place to live and will just be stuck in this studio apartment above this bitch who tortures me.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing the right things by my family.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough.  I'm just afraid.  It's crippling.  I don't usually let this feeling linger too long.  I should be ok by tomorrow.  I'm just not feeling well today and I'm extra mopey.  So call the wambulance I guess.

Oh and just a little side note/ helpful tip-- do NOT bother seeing the Hangover III.  What a fucking buzz kill.  I was amped to see it.  Bought my tickets in advance.  Awful and unnecessary.  Just, no.  Wait until one of your friends buys the DVD and watch it at their house.  Don't even waste the money on it. 

Anyway, I have to get back to work.  Sorry if this post is all over the place, but I did warn you. Hope everyone is having an ok evening, and if not, tomorrow is just around the corner.

Thanks for reading...

'cause I don't wanna lose you now,  I'm lookin' right at the other half of me... the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold... show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out, you were right here all along...  it's like you're my mirror...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Light 'Em Up...

a constellation of tears on your lashes... burn everything you love, then burn the ashes... in the end everything collides... my childhood spat back out the monster that you see...

It's been a while since I wrote.  Like, months and months.  I've been angry since that last post.  Angry at what?  Well... everything really.  Just an FYI, it's exhausting being angry all the time.  I was exhausted.  And so, changes needed to be made.  I couldn't keep being angry at people for no reason.  It was time to look within to see what the fuck was going on.  That's a scary situation.  Realizing that YOU are the problem. 

The blame game is really fun.  Like, so so fun.  Until there is no one to blame.  When you've managed to shove everyone away with your anger, there's no one left.  And not only are you exhausted because you're so busy being mad all the time, but you've managed to exhaust everyone around you that you give a shit about.  And that makes you angrier.  Sick cycle.  Story of my life.  I'm done being angry.  I am taking the proper steps now to find out who the hell I am.  I fucking hate it and love it at the same time.  I have learned to self loathe so much that I actually hated myself.  I was crawling in my skin every hour of every single day and I've just had enough.

I started going to therapy.  It needed to happen.  And it's not head shrinking, forever therapy. It's like talking to a friend.  And that is comfortable for me.  I can't do therapy where we talk about my life since birth and figure out what went wrong.  I can't go there again.  It's not necessary.  It's cognitive therapy.  Here's the problem, let's fix it.  And that's what I need.  In the past, I have always managed to self soothe and thought I was doing a good job.  Except I was doing a horrible job...

Picture a cup in the sink with one drop an hour dripping into it.  Same size drop every time.  Little drops.  But eventually all of those little drops manage to fill the cup.  And then it gets so full it starts to overflow.  That analogy has been brought to you by one of my older and wiser co-workers.  I can not take credit for it.  So, the cup.  Yea, that was me.  I was overflowing.  In real life, I was unraveling.  My first reaction to everything was anger.  It was making me physically sick.  And so, I'm currently working on how to not let that cup get to the point where it overflows. 

I like doing things for others.  It makes me happy.  The problem started to arise when I did things totally above and beyond for everyone.  Someone asks me for X, Y and Z and I end up giving them the whole fucking alphabet when they didn't ask for it.  And when they didn't react the way I expected, it hurt.  Now, they DID NOT ask for it so why would I give them everything when they only wanted something?  Well because I'm a girl that has codependent and abandonment issues and I'm forever searching for the acceptance of others so they don't leave me.  DUH. 

I can not change people.  I am one person.  I can change me.  I don't have to take the whole entire world on my shoulders.  I do not need to force my opinions on others.  If they don't agree, they don't agree.  It's not that serious.  I hear a problem and take it as my own.  That's ridiculous.  And it was eating me alive.  So no more of that.  I'm working on hearing a problem and then that's it.  Giving advice or whatever.  But it's not my problem.  I don't need to make myself sick over things that don't concern me.  Separating those things was HUGE and I'm working on it. 

I'm trying to make a better me.  Trying.  Work in progress and all that jazz.  I never thought in a hundred million years that at 32 years old I would be sitting here trying to piece myself together, but it needs to happen.  Before I marry someone and procreate.  I can't recreate my childhood with my kids.  I just can't.  I can't make them be my crutch for existence.  It's not fair and I guess subconsciously I always knew that and that's why I'm not married with children yet.  Thanks underlying thoughts that I don't even know exist!  See, being a nervous wreck has it's perks!  You're welcome unborn children!

Anyway, that's it for tonight.  This is a loaded post, but I plan on writing more.  The happier me is working her way out and I'm grateful.  Every day I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that I still have wonderful people in my life that continue to love me despite all of this bullshit.  Every day of my life is better because you people are the reason I live.  Not in a weirdo "I live for you" way.  Just in a grateful way.  You're the fuel to my ever dwindling fire and you keep me going and that's awesome considering what an animal I've been.  Just, thank you.

Ok, good night.

light 'em up, up, up... I'm on fire... (well, not anymore)