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Tuesday, May 28, 2013


'cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul  I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go... just put your hand on the glass I'll be tryin' to pull you through. you just gotta be strong...

I'm just going to give you a quick pre-cursor to this post.  I know it's going to go all over the place, please try and bear with me.  Today is a day of a lot of crazy thoughts that I can't shut off making my anxiety sky rocket.  So I thought that writing might help, so here I go...

This song that I started with, Mirrors by Justin Timberlake, has literally been the bane of my existence since he sang it on the fucking Grammy's.  Here's why.  Society has a way of seeing people's reaction to shit, seeing a LOT of people like it, and then they force feed it down your fucking throat whilst blowing so much fucking sunshine up the artist's ass.  Now, I love JT.  He is a triple threat and I adore him.  I have been a fan since his Mickey Mouse Club days, like I paid for the Disney Channel with my allowance.  So yea, JT is the shit, I have no doubt about it.  But when the radio stations play it TWICE in an hour, I can't.  My co-worker plays a little clock radio all day.  She sits behind me and so it is very faded in the background of my workday.  But this song.  This damn song.  It always manages to work it's way into the ole ear drums and since I'm Angry Me now, everything drives me fucking crazy.  Especially hearing Mirrors 52 times before lunch. 

This weekend we road tripped to Boston.  And I made one of my besties explain the song to me.  It sounded so sweet.  And then I looked up the lyrics, and it IS so sweet.  Except it's been driving me bananas for the last few months because I am being force fed.  I like to think I am a rebel.  I will like shit because I like shit, not because everyone else likes shit.  And when a radio station jams music down my throat, I'm all "I hate this song!"  I will like it when I'm good and ready.  Well, this morning... This anxiety ridden morning, I decided I was good and ready.  I watched the video and was bawling like a moron at my desk.  It's precious and yanked at my cold heart strings.  Well played JT, well fucking played.

Anyway, every fun thing I do is usually followed up with anxiety.  I had a really great time this weekend with great people.  I go away and forget all of my problems.  I distract myself with new things and thoroughly enjoy myself to the point of making myself sick with frantic thoughts when I get home.  It sucks.  I have never been a fan of reality and a chance to escape is always a treat.  My relationship is fantastic, he is the love of my life.  But his ex is horrible.  And she is always ready, willing and able to bitch about something.  I'm so used to it that I can predict it now.  And it makes me sick.  And I let those thoughts creep in after the fun is over and it sucks.  So that's what's been picking away at my brain today.  So I finally gave in to watching the Mirrors video, cried my eyes out because it's fucking beautiful and now I'm here. 

I am strong.  I know I am.  I can deal with shit like a champ when people need me to.  I'm not really strong for me, but I'm strong so I can handle it.  It's so easy to say that life is too short and live life to the fullest.  When you are crippled with fear and anxiety, it's kinda hard to let everything go.  I'm like E.T. the Extraterrestrial.  I feel everyone else's feelings.  I try to be compassionate and kind when I can.  But I have to stop doing that.  Not stop caring, but stop taking on feelings that aren't mine.  I have always done that, so it's going to be really difficult for me to just stop, but I'm working on it.

My future is uncertain. And I feel like I'm running out of time to make decisions.  I know I'm still young, but it feels like yesterday that I was really young and had my whole life ahead of me.  I'm not where I should be according to certain standards, and I try to tell myself that it's ok.  On days like today, I sit and wonder if it's really ok or if I'm just saying it.  I think I'm ok with it. I don't want to live my life without special friend, so I guess it has to be ok if he's who I want to spend my life with.  I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to afford another place to live and will just be stuck in this studio apartment above this bitch who tortures me.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing the right things by my family.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough.  I'm just afraid.  It's crippling.  I don't usually let this feeling linger too long.  I should be ok by tomorrow.  I'm just not feeling well today and I'm extra mopey.  So call the wambulance I guess.

Oh and just a little side note/ helpful tip-- do NOT bother seeing the Hangover III.  What a fucking buzz kill.  I was amped to see it.  Bought my tickets in advance.  Awful and unnecessary.  Just, no.  Wait until one of your friends buys the DVD and watch it at their house.  Don't even waste the money on it. 

Anyway, I have to get back to work.  Sorry if this post is all over the place, but I did warn you. Hope everyone is having an ok evening, and if not, tomorrow is just around the corner.

Thanks for reading...

'cause I don't wanna lose you now,  I'm lookin' right at the other half of me... the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold... show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out, you were right here all along...  it's like you're my mirror...

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