Hello Cold World...

girls and boys keep lining up to see if they can measure up, they look good, and they feel wild, but it will never be enough... you say you're really hurting, at least you're feeling something... we can hope and we can pray that everything will work out fine, but you can't just stay down on your knees, the revolution is outside... you wanna make a difference, get out and go begin it...

I wish there was a way to shut my mind off.  I wish it would just relax sometimes.  I have never ever known how to shut my brain off.  I feel like this is a problem that I won't be able to fix.  Does it really need to be fixed?  Who knows?  I feel like chaos helps me thrive.  But I am so tired of being tired.

When I think about life it makes me laugh.  We try to use all of these weird tactics to get our shit together.  The power of positivity.  Psyching ourselves out for things hoping that the universe will kick it into high gear for you.  I was on that train.  I got off of it.  Because I did the whole thing where I wrote a check for myself and put it on the door.  I looked at it every day and was like YES I'm gonna make that money.  I had it on the door for like a year.  And I was like FUCK THIS.  You still have to do the work.  I get that.  I do the work, just sometimes shit is not meant to be.  And that's ok.  I guess...

I just try to do what I can day to day.  If you know me then you know I say one thing and mean another.  I try to be a bitch and not care but it's not possible.  I try to be tough on the outside when all I want is acceptance.  It's awful.  It's this crazy cycle and it just doesn't ever stop.  I try not to be hypocritical.  I try to do what's best for others.  Put the needs of others before myself.  That works for me most of the time.  Because I am happy when I am helping others.  And I guess that's all any of us are really searching for.  Happiness.  And I would say that 97% of the time I am happy.  It's that 3 damn percent that kicks my ass. 

I know everyone has something going on.  My problems aren't better than yours.  I hate hearing about horrible things happening everywhere.  It's crazy the things that go on all around us.  Bad things happening to good people.  It's tragic.  But I try to be a good friend.  I try to be a good person in general.  And I really like to believe in people.  I like to believe that there is good in the world.  I give people the benefit of the doubt even when they don't deserve it.  Because I believe that everyone has a story.  Every single one of us is fighting a battle.  Whether it's internal or it's out there for the world to see.  It's a battle.  And I really try to be sensitive to that.

We live in a world where change is constant.  New devices are coming out daily.  The need for information is constant and the need to know OMG RIGHT THIS SECOND is so strong that we get angry when our smart phones are acting dumb.  It's no wonder anxiety is high and ADHD is a serious problem.  I can't pay attention to anything anymore.  Multitasking is the only way to survive and that shit is exhausting.  If you leave your phone at home you go back to get it.  GUILTY.  I could leave my wallet, hell I could leave my whole purse and not care, but my phone?  Oh hell no.  I'm going back to get that shit.  That is absolutely bananas.  God forbid I have to commute without 56 games to play!  God forbid I can't look at FaceBook or miss a text message!  It's insane.  But it is what it is.  This is life in 2012.  And it's only going to get worse.

I don't know.  A lot has been going on lately and I always just pray for clarity.  To always be able to do the right thing for myself and others.  That's all I can do.  To keep on pushing through when all I want to do is cry.  This is life.  It's a cold world but it could be worse.  All I can do is continue to be me.  Tweak it as I go and hope for the best.  Continue working my ass off towards what ever goal I chose to set for myself that day.  And that's it I guess. 

If you need me, I'm here...

Thanks for reading...

it's such a cold, cold world and I can't get out, so I'll just make the best of everything I'll never have... it's such a cold, cold world and It's got me down, but I'll get right back up, as long as its spins around... hello cold world...

Stars...

growing old is getting old I often find myself here thinking about the birds, the boats, and past loves that flew away or started sinking... and it's crazy here without you,  I used to think this all was ours... we'd stay up late, debate on how we'd find our way say it's all up in the stars...

This has been a weird couple of weeks.  I feel like everyone around me is going through some sort of emotional turmoil.  I mean, that's life so it's not horrible, but it just seems weird that so much emotional and crazy shit is going on.  A few weeks ago was some crazy super blue moon and so I was blaming all the issues on that... But that moon has come and gone and the craziness still lingers.  I never have things figured out so that doesn't count as turmoil in my life.  I just feel like the people who always seem to have their shit together currently don't, and that's weird.

When it comes to relationships there is a LOT that I don't understand.  I have been through a lot of shit in my past and so when people call me with issues, I try to give the best advice that I've got jammed in the gray matter.  Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't.  The problem is that I can't keep my mouth shut.  I can't.  When someone I love is dealing with a shitty situation, I get angry and I have tried to knock that shit off, but I can't.  I expect the best for the people who have been nothing but the best to me.  The down side of expressing my obnoxious opinion is that it sometimes makes the person who initially came to me not want to come to me anymore.  The truth is that if you want to just vent to someone, don't call me.  I will give you my opinion because I care that much.

I was in a relationship, many in fact, where I changed everything about myself to accomodate my partner.  I'm a Pisces, we sometimes do stupid shit like that.  And the story usually goes that after a while I realize I am not the girl they want me to be, nor do I enjoy being that person for them.  I get crazy, I act out and push that person as far away as I possibly can.  It's a sick cycle.  I think I have broken it for the most part.  I'm happy in my love life.  It's everything else that turns me into a fucking lunatic. 

I'm not going to lie.  It pisses me off when people don't take my advice.  Even if they didn't ask for it.  Sounds logical, right?  I am guilty of doing it all the time.  I am the queen of "I need to make my own mistakes".  So I really have no right to expect people to listen to me.  I just know what it feels like to be in a relationshit.  The things you loved most about your partner turn into the things you hate most.  Those cute little quirks are now the biggest fucking annoyances.  Did you used to love seeing your partner's name come up on your phone?  Yea, well now you fucking dread it.  Fuck, what did I do wrong now?  What is he/she gonna bitch about now?  What are we going to talk or fight about?  It's a fucking chore.  And I'm here to tell you that when you get to that point in a relationship, you are now in a relationshit.  There is no turning back.  You want to think that things will change.  Some relationship fairy is going wave the magic wand and POOF your living in a dream.  WRONG. 

I don't claim to be right about a lot of things.  In fact, I don't even take my own advice most of the time.  But I have seen this happen so many times.  And neither one of you is going to actually do the breaking up.  You're going to go back and forth with the bullshit until one of you snaps and goes "I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!"  When your relationship gets to this point, honestly, what are you fighting for?  Is it worth it?  I needs to be worth it.  When my ex boyfriend finally said he couldn't be with me anymore, we played the bullshit game for weeks before, I cried for 2 hours.  After 2 hours of sobbing, I realized that I felt relieved.  No more fighting phone calls.  No more attitudes and bullshit.  Did I miss being his girlfriend?  Yes.  Was I scared to be single?  Of course.  But after those 2 hours, I looked at my puffy face in the mirror and smiled.  There would be someone out there who could be the girl he needed, and I didn't have to change myself any more to accomodate his needs. 

I see my friends changing who they are.  And yea, when you take 2 completely different people and try to jam them into a committed relationship, obviously some changes will be made.  But they shouldn't be so completely drastic.  A little compromise here and there is normal.  But if you are a chatty individual and your partner constantly tells you to shut up, you're probably not in the right place.  And people say that relationships take work, but it should be work you want to do.  It should be work you do together.  Not one of the two doing all the work and all the changing.  I just don't understand why we do that.  Like we want to be loved so bad and believe that this ONE PERSON is the only one on the planet that has the ability to love us, but really if they're asking you to change that much then they don't love you.  Right? 

I don't know, I guess because my eyes were opened about 5 years ago, I just want to see the people who deserve to be happy actually be happy.  I want them to see that they're wonderful and deserve the best.  And if that makes me a bitch then I can live with that.  Because one day they will see they're great.  They'll see what I see.  And that's enough for me.  I just hope that things change soon.  That my friends don't make mistakes and marry the people that aren't right for them.  Forever is a long time.  Especially if you're not married yet and all you do is fight.  Marriage doesn't make that better.  And I am grateful everyday that despite all that I dreamed of, the wedding, being married at fucking 21 and having babies the next day, I'm glad it didn't happen that way for me.  I realize that forever with a person like me is a tall order.  And I realize that I need to be right in the head before someone marries me.  Because I'm fucking crazy day in and day out.  Like I said, a tall order. 

Anyway, keep on keepin' on.  Make sure you stay true to yourself and only change the things you're willing to change.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough.  Don't ever let anyone, especially your partner, make you feel like you're not enough.  You are enough, just maybe not for that particular person.  Now if only I could get this fucking point across to the people I was talking about at the start of this post, then I will feel successful.  They're currently waiting on that fairy to come wave her wand...

Thanks for reading...

you're always holding on to stars... I think they're better from afar... because no one is gonna save us...