You're Gonna Be My Friend... Part 2

I take a bad situation, gonna make it right, in the shadows of darkness I stand in the light...

Almost 3 years ago I wrote this post:

http://lifeoflouloubelle.blogspot.com/2009/11/youre-gonna-be-my-friend.html

And almost 3 years later, my feelings haven't changed one bit.  She's my Soul Sister.  We share the same tattoo.  She's my guidance and my crazy all wrapped into one person.  She takes on too much and wouldn't have it any other way and I'm grateful everyday knowing that she is where she is and that is always fucking there.  No matter what.  And every day that I have known you, Angelina, my life has been awesome.  Even when my life fucking sucked, it helped knowing that you were out there being my friend.

Thank you for being the Sister of my Soul.

the worst of times they don't phase me even if I look and act really crazy...

Walking the Dog...

after all the shows... after the boys of summer had gone... amid all the confusion and friends I've been losing I always thought from the start I'd be the one moving on... I guess I'll never know where all the boys of summer will go, but I'll miss what me made and the days were not wasted... there are some things I may never know...

These last few weeks have been quite crazy over here in my world.  Tried to quit smoking-- FAILED.  Tried to get off the Zoloft-- FAILED.  I'm OK with it though because quitting those things at the same time may very well cause some serious crime that would land me in jail... Although the thought of solitary confinement wouldn't bother me so much.  But I'm not much of a jail person.  I managed to stay out of it during my teenage/very early twenties years so I'm sure as fuck not going to go there now when I'm used to regular civilian life... Boring as it is.  Anyway, I fucked my mind up (more than usual) while trying to kick the smoking and weaning off the meds.  It sucks because you think you're fine and then you're going bat shit crazy and everyone comments on it and that just fuels the fire.  Anyway, it's been a rough few weeks... 

In the midst of my crazy, I googled an old ex boyfriend.  I had this gut feeling that he married this bitch from high school.  He totally did.  Long story, but he used to just bounce between 3 of us.  Me, K and A.  Me and K were pretty fucking cool, but A was a bitch.  Biggest bitch I ever met in my life and he fucking married her.  Good for you.  Hope you enjoy a life where you get to look at your balls in a jar on the windowsill everyday.  His best friend was a good friend of mine 100 years ago and so I googled him too.  Why not, right?  Might as well take that shitty trip down memory lane all at once, just to get it over with, ya know, since I was feeling saucy.  Turns out this dickhead got married and has 2 daughters.  Well if that isn't karma then I don't know what is.  One of the kings (ex was the other king) of treating girls like shit gets 2 daughters... Not one but TWO?  I had to laugh.  Again, good for you.  That should be fun in about 13-15 years...

It's funny when you think about the mistakes you made in your life.  For me, I go to a dark place. It's tough when you feel like you've made SO many mistakes.  You've hurt people, you've been hurt, the usual shit.  When you look at these things in spans of time it's kind of crazy how much time has actually passed.  I'm 31 years old.  I graduated from high school 13 years ago.  That's bananas. Maybe because I don't see myself as a grown up that thinking about that feels so weird?  Could be.  But the best part of going down memory lane and bringing up all those old feelings is that I know I've changed.  Maybe I haven't plunged into adulthood the way I should have.  No babies or marriage yet... But I've changed.  My life experiences have brought me here.  I'm stronger.  I don't cry all the time anymore.  I pay a mortgage every month.  I've changed.  Maybe for the better.  Who knows? 

Maybe the change isn't obvious but we've all changed.  It's the only thing that's constant in life so it is happening.  Sometimes it just takes a little while to see it.  And sometimes I'm OK with that.  Sometimes I'm not.  But whatever.  Truth is that there are people out there who refuse to change.  They need help and they don't get it.  They don't want to help themselves because they're content with being miserable and letting that misery rub off on everyone else.  Their lives suck so yours should too.  Right, because that makes total sense.  

In the last few months I have seen some awesome changes within my circle of friends.  One of my best friends is changing her life in such a way that I am literally swollen with pride.  She's moving across the country to change her path and I couldn't be happier for her.  I'm nervous and happy all at the same time.  That's a change I am so excited to see unfold.  I saw one of my dirty girls grow a set of cajones so big that I can't even begin to describe her strength.  I am so damn proud of the way she speaks up for herself.  My other dirty girls are kicking ass in the world and I'm fucking honored to call these strong women my friends.  Growing and changing with these ladies has been such a privilege for me and I'm afraid that I don't express it enough because I'm usually at work and busy and can't find the words.  But I'm proud all around. These changes are good and it makes me happy to see good people do good things with their lives.

Seeing my friends and family change for the better is such an awesome experience.  Of course there is a flip side.  I see friends who are going back to the same bullshit day in and day out.  Giving into misery and being satisfied with that and it's upsetting.  I'm disappointed and sad.  Disappointed that because some girl came into the picture I am currently on the back burner with the rest of his friends.  I want so badly to wish people well, but sometimes I just can't do it.  I don't wish my ex well.  He treated me like shit and got the marriage he deserved.  I don't wish my friend well because he is in a wretched relationship with a girl who wants to change him and that's not OK with me.  I don't wish one of my best friends well because she is with a guy who is horrible to her and I think the world of her.  It saddens me that these people I love don't see what I see and stay in these horrible lives because they think it's what they deserve. Or they put too much time in and they don't know how to walk away.  It's awful.

What I am sure of is that we are works in progress and no one is perfect.  But we get the opportunity every single day to wake up and start fresh.  I'm afraid that I don't capitalize on that enough but I will get there.  The nicotine patches are sitting next to my bed waiting for me to use them when I'm ready.  The fear of changing my life will subside every day and I will get the chance to change it for the better.  I will grow with the people around me who are ever changing and life will be OK.  There will be bumps in the road, maybe more than I have already hit, but I gotta stay focused.  I have to do better.  I have to be better.  We will all get there, I know it...  wherever the fuck there is...

Have a lovely October evening...

Thanks for reading...

if you could see me, whoever I am... it's not like the movies, but it's not all skin and bones...

RIP MISS MOO <3

Hello Cold World...

girls and boys keep lining up to see if they can measure up, they look good, and they feel wild, but it will never be enough... you say you're really hurting, at least you're feeling something... we can hope and we can pray that everything will work out fine, but you can't just stay down on your knees, the revolution is outside... you wanna make a difference, get out and go begin it...

I wish there was a way to shut my mind off.  I wish it would just relax sometimes.  I have never ever known how to shut my brain off.  I feel like this is a problem that I won't be able to fix.  Does it really need to be fixed?  Who knows?  I feel like chaos helps me thrive.  But I am so tired of being tired.

When I think about life it makes me laugh.  We try to use all of these weird tactics to get our shit together.  The power of positivity.  Psyching ourselves out for things hoping that the universe will kick it into high gear for you.  I was on that train.  I got off of it.  Because I did the whole thing where I wrote a check for myself and put it on the door.  I looked at it every day and was like YES I'm gonna make that money.  I had it on the door for like a year.  And I was like FUCK THIS.  You still have to do the work.  I get that.  I do the work, just sometimes shit is not meant to be.  And that's ok.  I guess...

I just try to do what I can day to day.  If you know me then you know I say one thing and mean another.  I try to be a bitch and not care but it's not possible.  I try to be tough on the outside when all I want is acceptance.  It's awful.  It's this crazy cycle and it just doesn't ever stop.  I try not to be hypocritical.  I try to do what's best for others.  Put the needs of others before myself.  That works for me most of the time.  Because I am happy when I am helping others.  And I guess that's all any of us are really searching for.  Happiness.  And I would say that 97% of the time I am happy.  It's that 3 damn percent that kicks my ass. 

I know everyone has something going on.  My problems aren't better than yours.  I hate hearing about horrible things happening everywhere.  It's crazy the things that go on all around us.  Bad things happening to good people.  It's tragic.  But I try to be a good friend.  I try to be a good person in general.  And I really like to believe in people.  I like to believe that there is good in the world.  I give people the benefit of the doubt even when they don't deserve it.  Because I believe that everyone has a story.  Every single one of us is fighting a battle.  Whether it's internal or it's out there for the world to see.  It's a battle.  And I really try to be sensitive to that.

We live in a world where change is constant.  New devices are coming out daily.  The need for information is constant and the need to know OMG RIGHT THIS SECOND is so strong that we get angry when our smart phones are acting dumb.  It's no wonder anxiety is high and ADHD is a serious problem.  I can't pay attention to anything anymore.  Multitasking is the only way to survive and that shit is exhausting.  If you leave your phone at home you go back to get it.  GUILTY.  I could leave my wallet, hell I could leave my whole purse and not care, but my phone?  Oh hell no.  I'm going back to get that shit.  That is absolutely bananas.  God forbid I have to commute without 56 games to play!  God forbid I can't look at FaceBook or miss a text message!  It's insane.  But it is what it is.  This is life in 2012.  And it's only going to get worse.

I don't know.  A lot has been going on lately and I always just pray for clarity.  To always be able to do the right thing for myself and others.  That's all I can do.  To keep on pushing through when all I want to do is cry.  This is life.  It's a cold world but it could be worse.  All I can do is continue to be me.  Tweak it as I go and hope for the best.  Continue working my ass off towards what ever goal I chose to set for myself that day.  And that's it I guess. 

If you need me, I'm here...

Thanks for reading...

it's such a cold, cold world and I can't get out, so I'll just make the best of everything I'll never have... it's such a cold, cold world and It's got me down, but I'll get right back up, as long as its spins around... hello cold world...

Stars...

growing old is getting old I often find myself here thinking about the birds, the boats, and past loves that flew away or started sinking... and it's crazy here without you,  I used to think this all was ours... we'd stay up late, debate on how we'd find our way say it's all up in the stars...

This has been a weird couple of weeks.  I feel like everyone around me is going through some sort of emotional turmoil.  I mean, that's life so it's not horrible, but it just seems weird that so much emotional and crazy shit is going on.  A few weeks ago was some crazy super blue moon and so I was blaming all the issues on that... But that moon has come and gone and the craziness still lingers.  I never have things figured out so that doesn't count as turmoil in my life.  I just feel like the people who always seem to have their shit together currently don't, and that's weird.

When it comes to relationships there is a LOT that I don't understand.  I have been through a lot of shit in my past and so when people call me with issues, I try to give the best advice that I've got jammed in the gray matter.  Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't.  The problem is that I can't keep my mouth shut.  I can't.  When someone I love is dealing with a shitty situation, I get angry and I have tried to knock that shit off, but I can't.  I expect the best for the people who have been nothing but the best to me.  The down side of expressing my obnoxious opinion is that it sometimes makes the person who initially came to me not want to come to me anymore.  The truth is that if you want to just vent to someone, don't call me.  I will give you my opinion because I care that much.

I was in a relationship, many in fact, where I changed everything about myself to accomodate my partner.  I'm a Pisces, we sometimes do stupid shit like that.  And the story usually goes that after a while I realize I am not the girl they want me to be, nor do I enjoy being that person for them.  I get crazy, I act out and push that person as far away as I possibly can.  It's a sick cycle.  I think I have broken it for the most part.  I'm happy in my love life.  It's everything else that turns me into a fucking lunatic. 

I'm not going to lie.  It pisses me off when people don't take my advice.  Even if they didn't ask for it.  Sounds logical, right?  I am guilty of doing it all the time.  I am the queen of "I need to make my own mistakes".  So I really have no right to expect people to listen to me.  I just know what it feels like to be in a relationshit.  The things you loved most about your partner turn into the things you hate most.  Those cute little quirks are now the biggest fucking annoyances.  Did you used to love seeing your partner's name come up on your phone?  Yea, well now you fucking dread it.  Fuck, what did I do wrong now?  What is he/she gonna bitch about now?  What are we going to talk or fight about?  It's a fucking chore.  And I'm here to tell you that when you get to that point in a relationship, you are now in a relationshit.  There is no turning back.  You want to think that things will change.  Some relationship fairy is going wave the magic wand and POOF your living in a dream.  WRONG. 

I don't claim to be right about a lot of things.  In fact, I don't even take my own advice most of the time.  But I have seen this happen so many times.  And neither one of you is going to actually do the breaking up.  You're going to go back and forth with the bullshit until one of you snaps and goes "I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!"  When your relationship gets to this point, honestly, what are you fighting for?  Is it worth it?  I needs to be worth it.  When my ex boyfriend finally said he couldn't be with me anymore, we played the bullshit game for weeks before, I cried for 2 hours.  After 2 hours of sobbing, I realized that I felt relieved.  No more fighting phone calls.  No more attitudes and bullshit.  Did I miss being his girlfriend?  Yes.  Was I scared to be single?  Of course.  But after those 2 hours, I looked at my puffy face in the mirror and smiled.  There would be someone out there who could be the girl he needed, and I didn't have to change myself any more to accomodate his needs. 

I see my friends changing who they are.  And yea, when you take 2 completely different people and try to jam them into a committed relationship, obviously some changes will be made.  But they shouldn't be so completely drastic.  A little compromise here and there is normal.  But if you are a chatty individual and your partner constantly tells you to shut up, you're probably not in the right place.  And people say that relationships take work, but it should be work you want to do.  It should be work you do together.  Not one of the two doing all the work and all the changing.  I just don't understand why we do that.  Like we want to be loved so bad and believe that this ONE PERSON is the only one on the planet that has the ability to love us, but really if they're asking you to change that much then they don't love you.  Right? 

I don't know, I guess because my eyes were opened about 5 years ago, I just want to see the people who deserve to be happy actually be happy.  I want them to see that they're wonderful and deserve the best.  And if that makes me a bitch then I can live with that.  Because one day they will see they're great.  They'll see what I see.  And that's enough for me.  I just hope that things change soon.  That my friends don't make mistakes and marry the people that aren't right for them.  Forever is a long time.  Especially if you're not married yet and all you do is fight.  Marriage doesn't make that better.  And I am grateful everyday that despite all that I dreamed of, the wedding, being married at fucking 21 and having babies the next day, I'm glad it didn't happen that way for me.  I realize that forever with a person like me is a tall order.  And I realize that I need to be right in the head before someone marries me.  Because I'm fucking crazy day in and day out.  Like I said, a tall order. 

Anyway, keep on keepin' on.  Make sure you stay true to yourself and only change the things you're willing to change.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough.  Don't ever let anyone, especially your partner, make you feel like you're not enough.  You are enough, just maybe not for that particular person.  Now if only I could get this fucking point across to the people I was talking about at the start of this post, then I will feel successful.  They're currently waiting on that fairy to come wave her wand...

Thanks for reading...

you're always holding on to stars... I think they're better from afar... because no one is gonna save us...