after all the shows... after the boys of summer had gone... amid all the confusion and friends I've been losing I always thought from the start I'd be the one moving on... I guess I'll never know where all the boys of summer will go, but I'll miss what me made and the days were not wasted... there are some things I may never know...
These last few weeks have been quite crazy over here in my world. Tried to quit smoking-- FAILED. Tried to get off the Zoloft-- FAILED. I'm OK with it though because quitting those things at the same time may very well cause some serious crime that would land me in jail... Although the thought of solitary confinement wouldn't bother me so much. But I'm not much of a jail person. I managed to stay out of it during my teenage/very early twenties years so I'm sure as fuck not going to go there now when I'm used to regular civilian life... Boring as it is. Anyway, I fucked my mind up (more than usual) while trying to kick the smoking and weaning off the meds. It sucks because you think you're fine and then you're going bat shit crazy and everyone comments on it and that just fuels the fire. Anyway, it's been a rough few weeks...
In the midst of my crazy, I googled an old ex boyfriend. I had this gut feeling that he married this bitch from high school. He totally did. Long story, but he used to just bounce between 3 of us. Me, K and A. Me and K were pretty fucking cool, but A was a bitch. Biggest bitch I ever met in my life and he fucking married her. Good for you. Hope you enjoy a life where you get to look at your balls in a jar on the windowsill everyday. His best friend was a good friend of mine 100 years ago and so I googled him too. Why not, right? Might as well take that shitty trip down memory lane all at once, just to get it over with, ya know, since I was feeling saucy. Turns out this dickhead got married and has 2 daughters. Well if that isn't karma then I don't know what is. One of the kings (ex was the other king) of treating girls like shit gets 2 daughters... Not one but TWO? I had to laugh. Again, good for you. That should be fun in about 13-15 years...
It's funny when you think about the mistakes you made in your life. For me, I go to a dark place. It's tough when you feel like you've made SO many mistakes. You've hurt people, you've been hurt, the usual shit. When you look at these things in spans of time it's kind of crazy how much time has actually passed. I'm 31 years old. I graduated from high school 13 years ago. That's bananas. Maybe because I don't see myself as a grown up that thinking about that feels so weird? Could be. But the best part of going down memory lane and bringing up all those old feelings is that I know I've changed. Maybe I haven't plunged into adulthood the way I should have. No babies or marriage yet... But I've changed. My life experiences have brought me here. I'm stronger. I don't cry all the time anymore. I pay a mortgage every month. I've changed. Maybe for the better. Who knows?
Maybe the change isn't obvious but we've all changed. It's the only thing that's constant in life so it is happening. Sometimes it just takes a little while to see it. And sometimes I'm OK with that. Sometimes I'm not. But whatever. Truth is that there are people out there who refuse to change. They need help and they don't get it. They don't want to help themselves because they're content with being miserable and letting that misery rub off on everyone else. Their lives suck so yours should too. Right, because that makes total sense.
In the last few months I have seen some awesome changes within my circle of friends. One of my best friends is changing her life in such a way that I am literally swollen with pride. She's moving across the country to change her path and I couldn't be happier for her. I'm nervous and happy all at the same time. That's a change I am so excited to see unfold. I saw one of my dirty girls grow a set of cajones so big that I can't even begin to describe her strength. I am so damn proud of the way she speaks up for herself. My other dirty girls are kicking ass in the world and I'm fucking honored to call these strong women my friends. Growing and changing with these ladies has been such a privilege for me and I'm afraid that I don't express it enough because I'm usually at work and busy and can't find the words. But I'm proud all around. These changes are good and it makes me happy to see good people do good things with their lives.
Seeing my friends and family change for the better is such an awesome experience. Of course there is a flip side. I see friends who are going back to the same bullshit day in and day out. Giving into misery and being satisfied with that and it's upsetting. I'm disappointed and sad. Disappointed that because some girl came into the picture I am currently on the back burner with the rest of his friends. I want so badly to wish people well, but sometimes I just can't do it. I don't wish my ex well. He treated me like shit and got the marriage he deserved. I don't wish my friend well because he is in a wretched relationship with a girl who wants to change him and that's not OK with me. I don't wish one of my best friends well because she is with a guy who is horrible to her and I think the world of her. It saddens me that these people I love don't see what I see and stay in these horrible lives because they think it's what they deserve. Or they put too much time in and they don't know how to walk away. It's awful.
What I am sure of is that we are works in progress and no one is perfect. But we get the opportunity every single day to wake up and start fresh. I'm afraid that I don't capitalize on that enough but I will get there. The nicotine patches are sitting next to my bed waiting for me to use them when I'm ready. The fear of changing my life will subside every day and I will get the chance to change it for the better. I will grow with the people around me who are ever changing and life will be OK. There will be bumps in the road, maybe more than I have already hit, but I gotta stay focused. I have to do better. I have to be better. We will all get there, I know it... wherever the fuck there is...
Have a lovely October evening...
Thanks for reading...
if you could see me, whoever I am... it's not like the movies, but it's not all skin and bones...
RIP MISS MOO <3
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