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Thursday, August 28, 2014

In The Mourning...

and it takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay... the biggest part of me, you were the greatest thing and now you're just a memory to let go of...

Thirteen years... Thirteen years ago today I lost my best buddy.  My step-dad was an amazing man and every year on this day I am reminded that my life was drastically changed; one more year added to the life long tally that this is.  I miss him.  And it's like my mind remembers this day like a reminder on my cell phone.  Even if I tried to forget it, I don't think it would work.  August is a bad month every year since 2001.  We celebrated his birthday on August 11th and seventeen days later he was gone.  And I find it funny that I can't remember what I ate yesterday but I can remember those last days like they just happened.  I miss him. 

I am a little too deep for my own good most days.  I think too much.  I try to find the meaning in everything.  I try to understand people's feelings from a psychological point of view.  I try to treat people how I want to be treated. I try to do all of these things to make everyone else's life just a little more bearable.  I don't do that for myself.  Seems that I make my own life harder and harder and I allow the bad thoughts to seep in and quietly destroy me.  I just delve too deeply into everything; searching for the reasons why I have these bad thoughts and why I feel so terribly about myself.  I can't keep doing that.  I don't play the blame game anymore. I know that I am in control of my life.  I have been for a long time.  I just find it hard to believe that I might be destined to be one of those people that isn't happy unless she's miserable.  That can't possibly be.

I am a grown woman and I know that. And I know I spend a lot of time on here bitching and moaning and complaining about life.  And I don't want you to think that I am a miserable bastard when you read these posts.  I want you to understand that I come here when I can't express what I am feeling verbally.  That it's easier for my to type out these feelings and move on with my day rather than allow the thoughts to ruin my day.  I am just dealing with a lot of feels right now.  Old thoughts from a long time ago are trying to work their way out of my system and I don't know that I'm dealing with it properly.  I sit here and wonder why there are people in my life who literally forget about me like I don't exist when they are supposed to love me.  And for a girl like me that kills me.  It makes me wonder what I did wrong.  It makes me think even more than I already do.  And my hands are tied.  I can't speak up and ask why or ask what I did wrong that made them forget me or ignore me.  It just won't go the way it does in movies where everything works out.  I know I will probably end up feeling worse, so my mouth stays shut and questions go unanswered and the cycle of my life continues with me trying to heal myself unsuccessfully.

On a day like today I am reminded that I am missing a really important person in my life.  A person who loved me unconditionally even when I didn't deserve it.  Even when I pushed him away, he wouldn't let me.  He never gave up on me and I guess that's why I am so incredibly blue every year on this day.  Knowing that he was such an important figure in my life and that life might have been better and just a little bit easier if he was still here.  I cling to the memories for dear life and I feel lucky that he was here and that he taught me so much in the short time that we had together.  God only knows what I would have become if I never knew him.

I can't wrap my brain around the number thirteen.  I can't fathom how that much time has passed, but it has.  So today I'm going to wallow a little bit, but tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for reading.

in the mourning I'll rise... in the mourning I'll let you die... in the mourning all my sorries...

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Pompeii...


 we were caught up and lost in all of our vices...  in your pose as the dust settled around us...


The last few weeks have been a little crazy.  I'm between offices at work.  My OCD brain can't hang when there is complete disorganization.  Working out of bag of paperwork being dropped off and picked up between offices.  It frustrating and causes a bit of chaos in my already chaotic thoughts.  I've developed a little bit of heart flutter, but I have been there before so I know it's stress that is making me crazy.  I'm also in the midst of planning a surprise party for my mother and I'm still waiting on RSVPs from some of her friends which is pissing me off.  I want to order balloons and favors already and I can't do that without a fucking head count.  Also, keeping this secret from her and worrying about if she's actually going to be surprised is totally fun considering I tell my mother everything.  So yea, stress.  I have a few tools that help me decompress a little bit, but there's only so much they can do before my body is like NO THERE'S TOO MUCH STRESS.  THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.  You know, because my body has a voice of it's own.


Anyway, still dealing with a lot of grief and guilt after my friend Mike passed away a few weeks ago.  That's another layer that's trying to push its way through the internal chaos.  It constantly needs to be felt and I don't have time for needy feelings like that.  I wake up everyday with this blank feeling.  Grateful that I'm alive and surrounded by the greatest people on earth, but I know my friend is not here and I just have not come to terms with that.  Grief is a really funny thing.  It fucks with you.  I remember not long after my step father's death I acted out A LOT.  Was drinking to the point of blacking out or being totally belligerent.  Angry at the world for taking away a giant piece of my heart.  I was 20 years old when he died.  I'm 33 now.  I am far too busy to get black out drunk to forget my feelings.  And I'm old enough to know that any substance won't make it go away.  I'm old enough to know that the feeling is even worse when you wake up because not only do you remember, but you've also got a wicked hangover and lots of people to apologize to.  So yea, none of that.  Plus, Mike died because he suffered with addiction and I really feel like numbing my pain with drinks or substances is kind of counter productive and an insult to everything he was trying to overcome.


So what do I do?  The best I friggin can at this point.  I'm eating healthier and trying to just keep my head above water so I don't fall back into bad habits with junk food and garbage that will only make me feel worse.  I have been throwing myself into work just trying to keep all of my priorities straight so I don't fall behind.  It just scares me that the underlying feeling behind everything right now is sadness.  There are so many words that have been left unspoken and I'm not ok with that.  I miss my friend.  Period end of story.  I feel like I'm ok and then something brings on a memory of him and I'm back to square one.  That's awful.  I just want to go back to being me.  I want things to be back to the way they were.  I mean, my shit wasn't straight to begin with but at least I didn't feel sad all the time.  And I can't even explain the sadness to anyone because no one will really understand.  We didn't hang out or talk everyday, but we talked and we were there for each other.  And whenever I was extremely sad, he could always bring me out of it.  I knew I could go to him and he would be there and vice versa.  So what do you do when the person who helped you through sadness is the reason why your sad?  I guess I need more time to feel my way through this shit, I just wish so badly that I didn't have to. 


I guess I should get back to work.  Taking a break to write this blog has already taken away time I don't really have and made my brain all fuzzy.  I'm going to keep pushing through.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do.  And I hope that one day soon the air will finally clear and I'll get a little time to breathe.  Until then...


but if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?





Friday, June 6, 2014

End Of May...

golden haze, another morning feels like yesterday... end of May, now you're gone and there's still bills to pay... and you know it doesn't help to make believe you're sitting next to me,  it doesn't help to make believe that you are right behind me saying it's okay... longer days, more time to sit and watch the pendulum sway... in quiet rage I'm staring at this empty notebook page...  in times like these you feel like you are done with feeling, you feel you want to stop the pain from healing because you feel like you're the only one who's ever felt this way...

The line to get to you was really long.  I kept it together for a decent amount of time.  In the days that had passed up until this point, I kept forgetting you were gone.  And then I would remember, and it would hit me like I had just found out, and I would cry.  When we got there and I saw the long line, it made me feel less empty knowing you were loved by so many; that you had touched all of these lives along with mine.  And then your brother came out of the room, probably to get some air; it was hot and crowded.  And he looked around and said that he couldn't believe how many of us were waiting to see you and that seeing this many people here would help your family during this really difficult time.  And then I remembered again why I was at this place and who I was there to see and I couldn't stop the tears.  I stifled them as much as I could but it took everything in me not to drop to my knees and sob.  You were an amazing human being and the world has been forever changed.

I regret so much.  I let you control so much of our relationship because I never wanted to be to clingy or annoying.  And I never wanted to bother you or make you feel like I was too attached, fearful that you might push me away and I might feel rejected.  So I let you control it.  I played it cool.  There were a few before you and others that came after you, but a big piece of my heart was always yours.  And I guess in a way you still kind of had that big piece without either one of us knowing that was still the case.  When I found out you were gone this awful feeling rushed over me.  And it felt like my already damaged heart had split right down the center.  Sick to my stomach, said broken heart continued to beat rapidly out of my chest.  You were always there, and now you're not.  And the truth is that I don't think I will ever be the same.  I regret all of those times that I let you call the shots.  I should have pushed you harder instead of surrendering to the fact that phone calls and texts would have to be enough.  I should have just shown up.  I should have texted and called until hanging out with me was your only option.  I should have done all of that.  I haven't seen you in a few years.  I haven't hugged you in a few years.  And now I sit here wondering how I'm ever going to forgive myself for not trying harder.  For letting you call the shots because you might have been too fragile to push and I was too self conscious to come off as clingy.

Your story is an inspiration and I wish you were still here to share it with the world.  I hope you figure out some way to get it out there from where you are now.  It is not my story to tell, but you inspired me.  I wander around now in a fog wondering if I should get used to this feeling.  Will it ever go away?  I don't know the answer to that right now.  I need time.  I know that time will ease the pain, but not enough time has passed.  I am still trying to process how this could be.  How I am mourning this loss that I didn't see coming.  It doesn't seem real.  This wasn't supposed to be the ending to your story Michael.  It wasn't supposed to end in tragedy like this.  You were a good man and you treated others the way you wanted to be treated.  So in the wake of your death I'm going to do my best to be more like you.  I will do my best to brighten the days of people who need it.  I will root for the underdog even if I am the only one.  I will be the person that doesn't judge a book by its cover and I will stand up for people when no one else will.  The world did not need to lose someone like that, if anything we needed more people like that.

I love you more than I can express.  And I miss you terribly.  This heartache is paralyzing.  I have had the best people on earth looking out for me and keeping me on the up and up when I don't want to remove myself from my bed each morning.  I am a lucky girl.  And I feel even more lucky knowing  that you were my friend and that I got to love you for as long as you were here.  I will never forget you and how you changed my life.  Rest easy my friend, I hope you are finally at peace...

some days in a daze, there's brighter days... funny how the feeling never stays... but I know I'll have to come to terms when I'm awake, thinking about you is the icing on the cake... makes me realize the fact you're gone for good for goodness sake...

Michael Phelan
10/12/80-5/31/14