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Friday, June 6, 2014

End Of May...

golden haze, another morning feels like yesterday... end of May, now you're gone and there's still bills to pay... and you know it doesn't help to make believe you're sitting next to me,  it doesn't help to make believe that you are right behind me saying it's okay... longer days, more time to sit and watch the pendulum sway... in quiet rage I'm staring at this empty notebook page...  in times like these you feel like you are done with feeling, you feel you want to stop the pain from healing because you feel like you're the only one who's ever felt this way...

The line to get to you was really long.  I kept it together for a decent amount of time.  In the days that had passed up until this point, I kept forgetting you were gone.  And then I would remember, and it would hit me like I had just found out, and I would cry.  When we got there and I saw the long line, it made me feel less empty knowing you were loved by so many; that you had touched all of these lives along with mine.  And then your brother came out of the room, probably to get some air; it was hot and crowded.  And he looked around and said that he couldn't believe how many of us were waiting to see you and that seeing this many people here would help your family during this really difficult time.  And then I remembered again why I was at this place and who I was there to see and I couldn't stop the tears.  I stifled them as much as I could but it took everything in me not to drop to my knees and sob.  You were an amazing human being and the world has been forever changed.

I regret so much.  I let you control so much of our relationship because I never wanted to be to clingy or annoying.  And I never wanted to bother you or make you feel like I was too attached, fearful that you might push me away and I might feel rejected.  So I let you control it.  I played it cool.  There were a few before you and others that came after you, but a big piece of my heart was always yours.  And I guess in a way you still kind of had that big piece without either one of us knowing that was still the case.  When I found out you were gone this awful feeling rushed over me.  And it felt like my already damaged heart had split right down the center.  Sick to my stomach, said broken heart continued to beat rapidly out of my chest.  You were always there, and now you're not.  And the truth is that I don't think I will ever be the same.  I regret all of those times that I let you call the shots.  I should have pushed you harder instead of surrendering to the fact that phone calls and texts would have to be enough.  I should have just shown up.  I should have texted and called until hanging out with me was your only option.  I should have done all of that.  I haven't seen you in a few years.  I haven't hugged you in a few years.  And now I sit here wondering how I'm ever going to forgive myself for not trying harder.  For letting you call the shots because you might have been too fragile to push and I was too self conscious to come off as clingy.

Your story is an inspiration and I wish you were still here to share it with the world.  I hope you figure out some way to get it out there from where you are now.  It is not my story to tell, but you inspired me.  I wander around now in a fog wondering if I should get used to this feeling.  Will it ever go away?  I don't know the answer to that right now.  I need time.  I know that time will ease the pain, but not enough time has passed.  I am still trying to process how this could be.  How I am mourning this loss that I didn't see coming.  It doesn't seem real.  This wasn't supposed to be the ending to your story Michael.  It wasn't supposed to end in tragedy like this.  You were a good man and you treated others the way you wanted to be treated.  So in the wake of your death I'm going to do my best to be more like you.  I will do my best to brighten the days of people who need it.  I will root for the underdog even if I am the only one.  I will be the person that doesn't judge a book by its cover and I will stand up for people when no one else will.  The world did not need to lose someone like that, if anything we needed more people like that.

I love you more than I can express.  And I miss you terribly.  This heartache is paralyzing.  I have had the best people on earth looking out for me and keeping me on the up and up when I don't want to remove myself from my bed each morning.  I am a lucky girl.  And I feel even more lucky knowing  that you were my friend and that I got to love you for as long as you were here.  I will never forget you and how you changed my life.  Rest easy my friend, I hope you are finally at peace...

some days in a daze, there's brighter days... funny how the feeling never stays... but I know I'll have to come to terms when I'm awake, thinking about you is the icing on the cake... makes me realize the fact you're gone for good for goodness sake...

Michael Phelan

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