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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Grow Up...

stood in line for so long just to picket, something I will never understand... aren't you tired of always being mad at the world?  won't you just admit you don't care?
As stated in my last post, I am working on my anger issues.  Since quitting smoking 8 months ago, I go from 0 to 60 in approximately 0.5 seconds.  Like, I don't have time for bullshit.  When people annoy me I used to be able to laugh it off. Now, I literally have to talk myself off a ledge and get the needle and thread ready to sew my mouth shut before I say something I can't take back.  I'm like the Hulk, and I have no idea where it comes from. Mind you, it's nothing serious.  The annoyance isn't life threatening and will not kill me, but keeping my mouth shut literally exhausts me.  If you know me in real life then you have probably heard me say "I can't" at least 53 times a day.  Because seriously, I caaaaan't. 

I'm not perfect, I am well aware and don't ever claim to be, but some people... ooooh some people really make me shake my head.  I seriously say to myself "is this person serious?!" way too many times a day.  I feel like no one uses common sense anymore.  Like, I literally want to biff them.  Directly in the forehead and say "HELLLOOOO... IS ANYBODY IN THERE?"  Do I actually biff them?  No, but it's getting ridiculous and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not the only one that feels that way.  I just don't have my ex-best friend, Nicotine, there to distract me from outright stupidity.  Do I express these thoughts?  No, I don't.  Because it is not that person's fault that I am a fucking head case.  Just because I am having an issue dealing with ridiculous things doesn't mean that I have any right to scream at someone or make them feel shitty.  I know better...

I want to know when confrontation became the first thing people do.  It used to be that a few events led up to a confrontation.  There was a build up.  But now, you tell someone NO and it's like, BOOM they're in your face.  What the fuck?!  I am a dance instructor and had to deal with WAY to many mothers at dress rehearsal the other night.  I have been dancing since I was 2 years old (that's right, 30 years betch!) and I don't EVER remember my mother screaming at a dance instructor back stage.  There was a certain respect that existed, and moms used to trust that we would handle it because we are professionals and this isn't our first time at the rodeo.  But the other night, I had five mothers, that's right, FIVE, yelling at me at the SAME TIME.  That's in all caps because these are grown women.  Grown ass women yelling different things at me at the same time.  Like, I know you know she's currently yelling at me, I can't even hear what you're saying.  Wait your turn!  I just don't understand.  And since the customer is always right, I have to take it like a champ.  But what do you think, you have the only kid who is here passed her bedtime?  It's one night of total inconvenience.  I'm tired too.  I got up at 5 in the morning too.  You want me to pull a rabbit out of my ass?!  Take it down a notch! 

 I wanna know about bullying.  I wanna know when that became the thing to do.  I went through high school as a ghost.  I tried to stay under the radar and it worked pretty well for me.  I didn't strive to be an exceptional student, I just wanted to pass and graduate.  I had awesome friends that I had a blast with that didn't treat me like shit and really had no interest in making new ones.  Senior year I came out of my shell a bit and made a few new friends which was cool, but again, I was under the radar.  Didn't really fit into a group, per se, but I didn't want to.  It wasn't THE most important thing to me.  And I also didn't do things because people told me to. Did people think I was a loser?  Probably, but that didn't bother me.  My point here is, I don't know about bullying because I didn't do it and it wasn't done to me.  It makes me sad to know that there are kids out there who have a giant target on their backs and have no idea that it's there.  It is not ever ok to treat someone like they are beneath you.  I don't care what your background is.  I don't care if people treat you like shit at home.  I don't care if you are targeted in your group of friends.  I just don't care.  I've heard people say "I'm just being honest" but there is a difference between being honest and being outright rude.  It is not ever ok for you to treat someone other than how you would want to be treated.  It is something that pushes a major button in my brain.  Who the fuck are you to make someone feel like shit?  If someone is not like you and you find that annoying, shut up.  You don't get to treat that person like they don't deserve to live his or her life how they so choose.  When did you become the most important person in the world? 

The sad part is that this is happening.  It's happening more and more every day.  There are people out there sending out this negative shit and it really ruins everything.  Where does this come from?  Break the cycle.  Pull back a little if someone is pissing you off.  I don't know where people got this sense of entitlement from.  Who starts this behavior?  You have to have respect.  You have to be humble.  You have to find who you are and stop being the person you think you should be.  What gives one person any right to speak to another person with such conviction that the other person literally wants to curl up into a ball and die?  When those mothers were yelling at me, I stood there staring at them and didn't say a word.  I kept my mouth shut, not because I'm a coward, but because I know about respect.  I know what I was taught and that's if you don't have something nice to say then don't fucking say it.  It annoys my life when people don't have a filter and think it's ok.  I'm proud that despite my non-smoking anger issues, I still have the ability to walk away when all I wanna do it scream.  Because you can't take words back.  Once they are out there, that's it.  Game over.  That's like in court when one lawyer asks a really deep question and the witness answers and the judge is all "strike that from the record".  Well the jurors already heard it, and if I were on the jury that wouldn't work for me.  I would be like "How can I forget that? That's a major character flaw that defines why we are here in the first place and you want me to forget it?!"  It's out there.  You can't take it back. 

I'm working on my issues.  Every single day is a new battle, but I respect that there are people out there who are fighting worse battles than me.  My issues are fucking cake compared to what some people are dealing with.  And I try to keep that in mind when I am quick to judge.  I pull back and stay humble because I am one tiny person in a big, big world and I have no right to judge.  And if you're not fighting a battle and you're life is all good right now, try to respect that others around you may be dealing with stuff that you don't understand.  The truth is that I am not better than anyone else.  I am me.  That's all I can control.  Anything beyond that is not my responsibility.  It is not your responsibility to worry about what everyone else is doing.  This shit has got to stop.  Whether you are a teenager or an adult, it's not ok.  And it's really not ok for you to be the one to merit this behavior.  Just stop.  I know what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, supposedly, but there are plenty of shitty people in the world.  You do not need to be one of them.  Tact, humility, respect.  These things are important and will take you a long way.  I am teaching myself that every single day, and I hope to be a better me because of it.  I don't need to be one of the people who screams in someone else's face to prove a point.  I have done that a few times to people who didn't deserve it and I have beaten myself up about it after.  I am not that girl.  I may not want to be a grown up in real life, but I know when it's time to grow up.  If that made any sense at all...

some of us have to grow up sometimes and so, if I have to I'm gonna leave you behind...

Thanks for reading... goodnight.


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