and it takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay... the biggest part of me, you were the greatest thing and now you're just a memory to let go of...
Thirteen years... Thirteen years ago today I lost my best buddy. My step-dad was an amazing man and every year on this day I am reminded that my life was drastically changed; one more year added to the life long tally that this is. I miss him. And it's like my mind remembers this day like a reminder on my cell phone. Even if I tried to forget it, I don't think it would work. August is a bad month every year since 2001. We celebrated his birthday on August 11th and seventeen days later he was gone. And I find it funny that I can't remember what I ate yesterday but I can remember those last days like they just happened. I miss him.
I am a little too deep for my own good most days. I think too much. I try to find the meaning in everything. I try to understand people's feelings from a psychological point of view. I try to treat people how I want to be treated. I try to do all of these things to make everyone else's life just a little more bearable. I don't do that for myself. Seems that I make my own life harder and harder and I allow the bad thoughts to seep in and quietly destroy me. I just delve too deeply into everything; searching for the reasons why I have these bad thoughts and why I feel so terribly about myself. I can't keep doing that. I don't play the blame game anymore. I know that I am in control of my life. I have been for a long time. I just find it hard to believe that I might be destined to be one of those people that isn't happy unless she's miserable. That can't possibly be.
I am a grown woman and I know that. And I know I spend a lot of time on here bitching and moaning and complaining about life. And I don't want you to think that I am a miserable bastard when you read these posts. I want you to understand that I come here when I can't express what I am feeling verbally. That it's easier for my to type out these feelings and move on with my day rather than allow the thoughts to ruin my day. I am just dealing with a lot of feels right now. Old thoughts from a long time ago are trying to work their way out of my system and I don't know that I'm dealing with it properly. I sit here and wonder why there are people in my life who literally forget about me like I don't exist when they are supposed to love me. And for a girl like me that kills me. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. It makes me think even more than I already do. And my hands are tied. I can't speak up and ask why or ask what I did wrong that made them forget me or ignore me. It just won't go the way it does in movies where everything works out. I know I will probably end up feeling worse, so my mouth stays shut and questions go unanswered and the cycle of my life continues with me trying to heal myself unsuccessfully.
On a day like today I am reminded that I am missing a really important person in my life. A person who loved me unconditionally even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I pushed him away, he wouldn't let me. He never gave up on me and I guess that's why I am so incredibly blue every year on this day. Knowing that he was such an important figure in my life and that life might have been better and just a little bit easier if he was still here. I cling to the memories for dear life and I feel lucky that he was here and that he taught me so much in the short time that we had together. God only knows what I would have become if I never knew him.
I can't wrap my brain around the number thirteen. I can't fathom how that much time has passed, but it has. So today I'm going to wallow a little bit, but tomorrow will be better.
Thanks for reading.
in the mourning I'll rise... in the mourning I'll let you die... in the mourning all my sorries...