Light 'Em Up...

a constellation of tears on your lashes... burn everything you love, then burn the ashes... in the end everything collides... my childhood spat back out the monster that you see...

It's been a while since I wrote.  Like, months and months.  I've been angry since that last post.  Angry at what?  Well... everything really.  Just an FYI, it's exhausting being angry all the time.  I was exhausted.  And so, changes needed to be made.  I couldn't keep being angry at people for no reason.  It was time to look within to see what the fuck was going on.  That's a scary situation.  Realizing that YOU are the problem. 

The blame game is really fun.  Like, so so fun.  Until there is no one to blame.  When you've managed to shove everyone away with your anger, there's no one left.  And not only are you exhausted because you're so busy being mad all the time, but you've managed to exhaust everyone around you that you give a shit about.  And that makes you angrier.  Sick cycle.  Story of my life.  I'm done being angry.  I am taking the proper steps now to find out who the hell I am.  I fucking hate it and love it at the same time.  I have learned to self loathe so much that I actually hated myself.  I was crawling in my skin every hour of every single day and I've just had enough.

I started going to therapy.  It needed to happen.  And it's not head shrinking, forever therapy. It's like talking to a friend.  And that is comfortable for me.  I can't do therapy where we talk about my life since birth and figure out what went wrong.  I can't go there again.  It's not necessary.  It's cognitive therapy.  Here's the problem, let's fix it.  And that's what I need.  In the past, I have always managed to self soothe and thought I was doing a good job.  Except I was doing a horrible job...

Picture a cup in the sink with one drop an hour dripping into it.  Same size drop every time.  Little drops.  But eventually all of those little drops manage to fill the cup.  And then it gets so full it starts to overflow.  That analogy has been brought to you by one of my older and wiser co-workers.  I can not take credit for it.  So, the cup.  Yea, that was me.  I was overflowing.  In real life, I was unraveling.  My first reaction to everything was anger.  It was making me physically sick.  And so, I'm currently working on how to not let that cup get to the point where it overflows. 

I like doing things for others.  It makes me happy.  The problem started to arise when I did things totally above and beyond for everyone.  Someone asks me for X, Y and Z and I end up giving them the whole fucking alphabet when they didn't ask for it.  And when they didn't react the way I expected, it hurt.  Now, they DID NOT ask for it so why would I give them everything when they only wanted something?  Well because I'm a girl that has codependent and abandonment issues and I'm forever searching for the acceptance of others so they don't leave me.  DUH. 

I can not change people.  I am one person.  I can change me.  I don't have to take the whole entire world on my shoulders.  I do not need to force my opinions on others.  If they don't agree, they don't agree.  It's not that serious.  I hear a problem and take it as my own.  That's ridiculous.  And it was eating me alive.  So no more of that.  I'm working on hearing a problem and then that's it.  Giving advice or whatever.  But it's not my problem.  I don't need to make myself sick over things that don't concern me.  Separating those things was HUGE and I'm working on it. 

I'm trying to make a better me.  Trying.  Work in progress and all that jazz.  I never thought in a hundred million years that at 32 years old I would be sitting here trying to piece myself together, but it needs to happen.  Before I marry someone and procreate.  I can't recreate my childhood with my kids.  I just can't.  I can't make them be my crutch for existence.  It's not fair and I guess subconsciously I always knew that and that's why I'm not married with children yet.  Thanks underlying thoughts that I don't even know exist!  See, being a nervous wreck has it's perks!  You're welcome unborn children!

Anyway, that's it for tonight.  This is a loaded post, but I plan on writing more.  The happier me is working her way out and I'm grateful.  Every day I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that I still have wonderful people in my life that continue to love me despite all of this bullshit.  Every day of my life is better because you people are the reason I live.  Not in a weirdo "I live for you" way.  Just in a grateful way.  You're the fuel to my ever dwindling fire and you keep me going and that's awesome considering what an animal I've been.  Just, thank you.

Ok, good night.

light 'em up, up, up... I'm on fire... (well, not anymore)