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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Beam Me Up...

so when I need you can I send you a sign... I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights... I'll pick a star and watch you shine... just beam me up, give me a minute, I don't know what 'd say in it... I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there holdin' your face...

The last 3ish months have been hell in my world.  Like in my head, just bananas.  I quit smoking.  3 months ago tomorrow.  I am like the bitchiest Tasmanian devil ever.  Like a lion in a cage.  At least that's what everyone is telling me.  Welp, I can either try to kick this fucking habit and get healthy or I can fucking smoke and make everyone else happy being regular old me.  I don't know, I just want a cigarette.  I don't feel better.  I'm just a crab cake that could maybe walk up the stairs without wanting to die.  I haven't even tested that out yet so I don't even know if that's true.  Anyway, I want a cigarette.  I can not stress that enough.

2013 has been a total let down so far.  We are almost 10 days in and it has been horrible.  The end of 2012 was awful and I put too much pressure on 2013.  That was my bad.  But seriously, I need good news.  Like I NEED it.  Like a crack fiend.  I am so damn depressed.  I'm crabby and depressed.  And I don't want to be around anyone because I'm afraid it will infect others and that's just something I can't handle right now.  I just keep hearing bad news and it's about people I give a really big shit about.  And I just can't cope.  Like, non smoker me has ZERO coping skills.  I just crawl into a ball and cry.  Or I get angry and my eyebrows are all the way down and my face looks like this  >:|  Sorry to use emojis right now, it was just easier than trying to paste a picture in here of what I look like all the time.

I have never hated the words Rest In Peace so much in my life.  I am tired of saying them.  I hate that special friend's mom passed away.  She was the sweetest little lady and was taken from us way too soon. I feel bad for special friend.  I know he's hurting.  That's his MOM, ya know?  Like I would just crumble into tiny pieces without my mom.  I wish I knew how to make him feel better, but that's his momma, and I don't know that you can get over something like that in a lifetime.  Heaven got another angel on Monday.  She's actually the perfect angel and I am really gonna miss her.  Beautiful Maria, no one deserves a spot in heaven more than her, I just wish it wasn't so damn soon.  When special friend's mom passed away I read a quote that was something like "a mother's death is the first time in your life that you cry without her".  Something like that.  And reading it broke my cold heart.  Because seriously, that's awful to think about.  And so when I think about her and I think about Maria, I can't help but think of that quote (even though I totally didn't quote it right) and think about the children who lost their mommas and how those tears are the first that she can't brush away for them.

On another shitty note, since I'm on such an awesome roll here... I had to put my best friend Boots to sleep.  Dude, I don't know if I'm ever going to be ok with that.  Just saying.  I hate being home.  I hate that he's not here.  Like, haaaate it.  And every time I think about it I cry hysterically.  I am totally typing through tears right now.  Over a cat?  YES over a cat.  He was my bestest bud and I don't know how to do this life thing without him.  We have faced the toughest parts of life together for the last 16 years and life is really fucking quiet and awful without him.  So there's that. 

The truth is that it blows being the ones left behind.  My mom always says that the ones that we love who are taken from us are in true paradise.  We are the ones suffering and living in hell.  In a way, I believe that.  We have all these fancy things to distract us, but we suffer.  Day in and day out.  Trying to do the best we can and not even knowing if we're doing that right.  My step-father passed away almost 12 years ago and not one day goes by where I don't think about him.  I'm happy he's at peace, but I'm sad that I haven't been ok since he died.  Maybe I should go talk to a therapist, but maybe now that I would have to pay for it myself I would rather self soothe thank you very much. 

Nothing about life is easy.  No one ever said it would be, I just didn't think it would be this hard.  I know it's not bad, we are just stuck in a world where self medicating is the way to go because there's no one to fucking talk to.  Everyone is busy with their own shit.  No one wants to hear about your shit.  Not even the therapists who get PAID to hear your shit.  They don't want to hear it either. And once you get to a good spot, you're like "Ok, I think I'm ok" WHAM a fucking curve ball.  It's constant.  The other shoe is always ready to drop and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  I'm not trying to be an asshole, we all know it's true. 

It's easy to say don't take it all for granted.  That's so easy to say, but we all do.  And that doesn't make us bad people, we don't have time to slow down.  Everything is happening too fast.  Everything is instantaneous and no one has patience anymore.  This is 2013.  The year Marty McFly went to in Back to the Future.  WHAAT?!  Yea.  We're there.  And so there's a lot of pressure on 2013 to be awesome and I hope that in the next 355 days it really bulks up and does something spectacular.  We could all use a little sparkle and shine and a little dose of happy after all the sadness 2012 brought.  Just someone please tell me some good fucking news so I can uncurl from the fetal position... I'm cramping...

Good night moon...
Thanks for reading...

beam me up.. let me be lighter, I'm tired of bein' a fighter... I think a minute's enough... just beam me up...





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