In The Mourning...

and it takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay... the biggest part of me, you were the greatest thing and now you're just a memory to let go of...

Thirteen years... Thirteen years ago today I lost my best buddy.  My step-dad was an amazing man and every year on this day I am reminded that my life was drastically changed; one more year added to the life long tally that this is.  I miss him.  And it's like my mind remembers this day like a reminder on my cell phone.  Even if I tried to forget it, I don't think it would work.  August is a bad month every year since 2001.  We celebrated his birthday on August 11th and seventeen days later he was gone.  And I find it funny that I can't remember what I ate yesterday but I can remember those last days like they just happened.  I miss him. 

I am a little too deep for my own good most days.  I think too much.  I try to find the meaning in everything.  I try to understand people's feelings from a psychological point of view.  I try to treat people how I want to be treated. I try to do all of these things to make everyone else's life just a little more bearable.  I don't do that for myself.  Seems that I make my own life harder and harder and I allow the bad thoughts to seep in and quietly destroy me.  I just delve too deeply into everything; searching for the reasons why I have these bad thoughts and why I feel so terribly about myself.  I can't keep doing that.  I don't play the blame game anymore. I know that I am in control of my life.  I have been for a long time.  I just find it hard to believe that I might be destined to be one of those people that isn't happy unless she's miserable.  That can't possibly be.

I am a grown woman and I know that. And I know I spend a lot of time on here bitching and moaning and complaining about life.  And I don't want you to think that I am a miserable bastard when you read these posts.  I want you to understand that I come here when I can't express what I am feeling verbally.  That it's easier for my to type out these feelings and move on with my day rather than allow the thoughts to ruin my day.  I am just dealing with a lot of feels right now.  Old thoughts from a long time ago are trying to work their way out of my system and I don't know that I'm dealing with it properly.  I sit here and wonder why there are people in my life who literally forget about me like I don't exist when they are supposed to love me.  And for a girl like me that kills me.  It makes me wonder what I did wrong.  It makes me think even more than I already do.  And my hands are tied.  I can't speak up and ask why or ask what I did wrong that made them forget me or ignore me.  It just won't go the way it does in movies where everything works out.  I know I will probably end up feeling worse, so my mouth stays shut and questions go unanswered and the cycle of my life continues with me trying to heal myself unsuccessfully.

On a day like today I am reminded that I am missing a really important person in my life.  A person who loved me unconditionally even when I didn't deserve it.  Even when I pushed him away, he wouldn't let me.  He never gave up on me and I guess that's why I am so incredibly blue every year on this day.  Knowing that he was such an important figure in my life and that life might have been better and just a little bit easier if he was still here.  I cling to the memories for dear life and I feel lucky that he was here and that he taught me so much in the short time that we had together.  God only knows what I would have become if I never knew him.

I can't wrap my brain around the number thirteen.  I can't fathom how that much time has passed, but it has.  So today I'm going to wallow a little bit, but tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for reading.

in the mourning I'll rise... in the mourning I'll let you die... in the mourning all my sorries...

Pompeii...

 we were caught up and lost in all of our vices...  in your pose as the dust settled around us...


The last few weeks have been a little crazy.  I'm between offices at work.  My OCD brain can't hang when there is complete disorganization.  Working out of bag of paperwork being dropped off and picked up between offices.  It frustrating and causes a bit of chaos in my already chaotic thoughts.  I've developed a little bit of heart flutter, but I have been there before so I know it's stress that is making me crazy.  I'm also in the midst of planning a surprise party for my mother and I'm still waiting on RSVPs from some of her friends which is pissing me off.  I want to order balloons and favors already and I can't do that without a fucking head count.  Also, keeping this secret from her and worrying about if she's actually going to be surprised is totally fun considering I tell my mother everything.  So yea, stress.  I have a few tools that help me decompress a little bit, but there's only so much they can do before my body is like NO THERE'S TOO MUCH STRESS.  THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.  You know, because my body has a voice of it's own.


Anyway, still dealing with a lot of grief and guilt after my friend Mike passed away a few weeks ago.  That's another layer that's trying to push its way through the internal chaos.  It constantly needs to be felt and I don't have time for needy feelings like that.  I wake up everyday with this blank feeling.  Grateful that I'm alive and surrounded by the greatest people on earth, but I know my friend is not here and I just have not come to terms with that.  Grief is a really funny thing.  It fucks with you.  I remember not long after my step father's death I acted out A LOT.  Was drinking to the point of blacking out or being totally belligerent.  Angry at the world for taking away a giant piece of my heart.  I was 20 years old when he died.  I'm 33 now.  I am far too busy to get black out drunk to forget my feelings.  And I'm old enough to know that any substance won't make it go away.  I'm old enough to know that the feeling is even worse when you wake up because not only do you remember, but you've also got a wicked hangover and lots of people to apologize to.  So yea, none of that.  Plus, Mike died because he suffered with addiction and I really feel like numbing my pain with drinks or substances is kind of counter productive and an insult to everything he was trying to overcome.


So what do I do?  The best I friggin can at this point.  I'm eating healthier and trying to just keep my head above water so I don't fall back into bad habits with junk food and garbage that will only make me feel worse.  I have been throwing myself into work just trying to keep all of my priorities straight so I don't fall behind.  It just scares me that the underlying feeling behind everything right now is sadness.  There are so many words that have been left unspoken and I'm not ok with that.  I miss my friend.  Period end of story.  I feel like I'm ok and then something brings on a memory of him and I'm back to square one.  That's awful.  I just want to go back to being me.  I want things to be back to the way they were.  I mean, my shit wasn't straight to begin with but at least I didn't feel sad all the time.  And I can't even explain the sadness to anyone because no one will really understand.  We didn't hang out or talk everyday, but we talked and we were there for each other.  And whenever I was extremely sad, he could always bring me out of it.  I knew I could go to him and he would be there and vice versa.  So what do you do when the person who helped you through sadness is the reason why your sad?  I guess I need more time to feel my way through this shit, I just wish so badly that I didn't have to. 


I guess I should get back to work.  Taking a break to write this blog has already taken away time I don't really have and made my brain all fuzzy.  I'm going to keep pushing through.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do.  And I hope that one day soon the air will finally clear and I'll get a little time to breathe.  Until then...


but if you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

End Of May...

golden haze, another morning feels like yesterday... end of May, now you're gone and there's still bills to pay... and you know it doesn't help to make believe you're sitting next to me,  it doesn't help to make believe that you are right behind me saying it's okay... longer days, more time to sit and watch the pendulum sway... in quiet rage I'm staring at this empty notebook page...  in times like these you feel like you are done with feeling, you feel you want to stop the pain from healing because you feel like you're the only one who's ever felt this way...

The line to get to you was really long.  I kept it together for a decent amount of time.  In the days that had passed up until this point, I kept forgetting you were gone.  And then I would remember, and it would hit me like I had just found out, and I would cry.  When we got there and I saw the long line, it made me feel less empty knowing you were loved by so many; that you had touched all of these lives along with mine.  And then your brother came out of the room, probably to get some air; it was hot and crowded.  And he looked around and said that he couldn't believe how many of us were waiting to see you and that seeing this many people here would help your family during this really difficult time.  And then I remembered again why I was at this place and who I was there to see and I couldn't stop the tears.  I stifled them as much as I could but it took everything in me not to drop to my knees and sob.  You were an amazing human being and the world has been forever changed.

I regret so much.  I let you control so much of our relationship because I never wanted to be to clingy or annoying.  And I never wanted to bother you or make you feel like I was too attached, fearful that you might push me away and I might feel rejected.  So I let you control it.  I played it cool.  There were a few before you and others that came after you, but a big piece of my heart was always yours.  And I guess in a way you still kind of had that big piece without either one of us knowing that was still the case.  When I found out you were gone this awful feeling rushed over me.  And it felt like my already damaged heart had split right down the center.  Sick to my stomach, said broken heart continued to beat rapidly out of my chest.  You were always there, and now you're not.  And the truth is that I don't think I will ever be the same.  I regret all of those times that I let you call the shots.  I should have pushed you harder instead of surrendering to the fact that phone calls and texts would have to be enough.  I should have just shown up.  I should have texted and called until hanging out with me was your only option.  I should have done all of that.  I haven't seen you in a few years.  I haven't hugged you in a few years.  And now I sit here wondering how I'm ever going to forgive myself for not trying harder.  For letting you call the shots because you might have been too fragile to push and I was too self conscious to come off as clingy.

Your story is an inspiration and I wish you were still here to share it with the world.  I hope you figure out some way to get it out there from where you are now.  It is not my story to tell, but you inspired me.  I wander around now in a fog wondering if I should get used to this feeling.  Will it ever go away?  I don't know the answer to that right now.  I need time.  I know that time will ease the pain, but not enough time has passed.  I am still trying to process how this could be.  How I am mourning this loss that I didn't see coming.  It doesn't seem real.  This wasn't supposed to be the ending to your story Michael.  It wasn't supposed to end in tragedy like this.  You were a good man and you treated others the way you wanted to be treated.  So in the wake of your death I'm going to do my best to be more like you.  I will do my best to brighten the days of people who need it.  I will root for the underdog even if I am the only one.  I will be the person that doesn't judge a book by its cover and I will stand up for people when no one else will.  The world did not need to lose someone like that, if anything we needed more people like that.

I love you more than I can express.  And I miss you terribly.  This heartache is paralyzing.  I have had the best people on earth looking out for me and keeping me on the up and up when I don't want to remove myself from my bed each morning.  I am a lucky girl.  And I feel even more lucky knowing  that you were my friend and that I got to love you for as long as you were here.  I will never forget you and how you changed my life.  Rest easy my friend, I hope you are finally at peace...

some days in a daze, there's brighter days... funny how the feeling never stays... but I know I'll have to come to terms when I'm awake, thinking about you is the icing on the cake... makes me realize the fact you're gone for good for goodness sake...

Michael Phelan
10/12/80-5/31/14

Grow Up...

stood in line for so long just to picket, something I will never understand... aren't you tired of always being mad at the world?  won't you just admit you don't care?

As stated in my last post, I am working on my anger issues.  Since quitting smoking 8 months ago, I go from 0 to 60 in approximately 0.5 seconds.  Like, I don't have time for bullshit.  When people annoy me I used to be able to laugh it off. Now, I literally have to talk myself off a ledge and get the needle and thread ready to sew my mouth shut before I say something I can't take back.  I'm like the Hulk, and I have no idea where it comes from. Mind you, it's nothing serious.  The annoyance isn't life threatening and will not kill me, but keeping my mouth shut literally exhausts me.  If you know me in real life then you have probably heard me say "I can't" at least 53 times a day.  Because seriously, I caaaaan't. 

I'm not perfect, I am well aware and don't ever claim to be, but some people... ooooh some people really make me shake my head.  I seriously say to myself "is this person serious?!" way too many times a day.  I feel like no one uses common sense anymore.  Like, I literally want to biff them.  Directly in the forehead and say "HELLLOOOO... IS ANYBODY IN THERE?"  Do I actually biff them?  No, but it's getting ridiculous and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not the only one that feels that way.  I just don't have my ex-best friend, Nicotine, there to distract me from outright stupidity.  Do I express these thoughts?  No, I don't.  Because it is not that person's fault that I am a fucking head case.  Just because I am having an issue dealing with ridiculous things doesn't mean that I have any right to scream at someone or make them feel shitty.  I know better...

I want to know when confrontation became the first thing people do.  It used to be that a few events led up to a confrontation.  There was a build up.  But now, you tell someone NO and it's like, BOOM they're in your face.  What the fuck?!  I am a dance instructor and had to deal with WAY to many mothers at dress rehearsal the other night.  I have been dancing since I was 2 years old (that's right, 30 years betch!) and I don't EVER remember my mother screaming at a dance instructor back stage.  There was a certain respect that existed, and moms used to trust that we would handle it because we are professionals and this isn't our first time at the rodeo.  But the other night, I had five mothers, that's right, FIVE, yelling at me at the SAME TIME.  That's in all caps because these are grown women.  Grown ass women yelling different things at me at the same time.  Like, I know you know she's currently yelling at me, I can't even hear what you're saying.  Wait your turn!  I just don't understand.  And since the customer is always right, I have to take it like a champ.  But what do you think, you have the only kid who is here passed her bedtime?  It's one night of total inconvenience.  I'm tired too.  I got up at 5 in the morning too.  You want me to pull a rabbit out of my ass?!  Take it down a notch! 

 I wanna know about bullying.  I wanna know when that became the thing to do.  I went through high school as a ghost.  I tried to stay under the radar and it worked pretty well for me.  I didn't strive to be an exceptional student, I just wanted to pass and graduate.  I had awesome friends that I had a blast with that didn't treat me like shit and really had no interest in making new ones.  Senior year I came out of my shell a bit and made a few new friends which was cool, but again, I was under the radar.  Didn't really fit into a group, per se, but I didn't want to.  It wasn't THE most important thing to me.  And I also didn't do things because people told me to. Did people think I was a loser?  Probably, but that didn't bother me.  My point here is, I don't know about bullying because I didn't do it and it wasn't done to me.  It makes me sad to know that there are kids out there who have a giant target on their backs and have no idea that it's there.  It is not ever ok to treat someone like they are beneath you.  I don't care what your background is.  I don't care if people treat you like shit at home.  I don't care if you are targeted in your group of friends.  I just don't care.  I've heard people say "I'm just being honest" but there is a difference between being honest and being outright rude.  It is not ever ok for you to treat someone other than how you would want to be treated.  It is something that pushes a major button in my brain.  Who the fuck are you to make someone feel like shit?  If someone is not like you and you find that annoying, shut up.  You don't get to treat that person like they don't deserve to live his or her life how they so choose.  When did you become the most important person in the world? 

The sad part is that this is happening.  It's happening more and more every day.  There are people out there sending out this negative shit and it really ruins everything.  Where does this come from?  Break the cycle.  Pull back a little if someone is pissing you off.  I don't know where people got this sense of entitlement from.  Who starts this behavior?  You have to have respect.  You have to be humble.  You have to find who you are and stop being the person you think you should be.  What gives one person any right to speak to another person with such conviction that the other person literally wants to curl up into a ball and die?  When those mothers were yelling at me, I stood there staring at them and didn't say a word.  I kept my mouth shut, not because I'm a coward, but because I know about respect.  I know what I was taught and that's if you don't have something nice to say then don't fucking say it.  It annoys my life when people don't have a filter and think it's ok.  I'm proud that despite my non-smoking anger issues, I still have the ability to walk away when all I wanna do it scream.  Because you can't take words back.  Once they are out there, that's it.  Game over.  That's like in court when one lawyer asks a really deep question and the witness answers and the judge is all "strike that from the record".  Well the jurors already heard it, and if I were on the jury that wouldn't work for me.  I would be like "How can I forget that? That's a major character flaw that defines why we are here in the first place and you want me to forget it?!"  It's out there.  You can't take it back. 

I'm working on my issues.  Every single day is a new battle, but I respect that there are people out there who are fighting worse battles than me.  My issues are fucking cake compared to what some people are dealing with.  And I try to keep that in mind when I am quick to judge.  I pull back and stay humble because I am one tiny person in a big, big world and I have no right to judge.  And if you're not fighting a battle and you're life is all good right now, try to respect that others around you may be dealing with stuff that you don't understand.  The truth is that I am not better than anyone else.  I am me.  That's all I can control.  Anything beyond that is not my responsibility.  It is not your responsibility to worry about what everyone else is doing.  This shit has got to stop.  Whether you are a teenager or an adult, it's not ok.  And it's really not ok for you to be the one to merit this behavior.  Just stop.  I know what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, supposedly, but there are plenty of shitty people in the world.  You do not need to be one of them.  Tact, humility, respect.  These things are important and will take you a long way.  I am teaching myself that every single day, and I hope to be a better me because of it.  I don't need to be one of the people who screams in someone else's face to prove a point.  I have done that a few times to people who didn't deserve it and I have beaten myself up about it after.  I am not that girl.  I may not want to be a grown up in real life, but I know when it's time to grow up.  If that made any sense at all...

some of us have to grow up sometimes and so, if I have to I'm gonna leave you behind...

Thanks for reading... goodnight.


 

Mirrors...

'cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul  I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go... just put your hand on the glass I'll be tryin' to pull you through. you just gotta be strong...

I'm just going to give you a quick pre-cursor to this post.  I know it's going to go all over the place, please try and bear with me.  Today is a day of a lot of crazy thoughts that I can't shut off making my anxiety sky rocket.  So I thought that writing might help, so here I go...

This song that I started with, Mirrors by Justin Timberlake, has literally been the bane of my existence since he sang it on the fucking Grammy's.  Here's why.  Society has a way of seeing people's reaction to shit, seeing a LOT of people like it, and then they force feed it down your fucking throat whilst blowing so much fucking sunshine up the artist's ass.  Now, I love JT.  He is a triple threat and I adore him.  I have been a fan since his Mickey Mouse Club days, like I paid for the Disney Channel with my allowance.  So yea, JT is the shit, I have no doubt about it.  But when the radio stations play it TWICE in an hour, I can't.  My co-worker plays a little clock radio all day.  She sits behind me and so it is very faded in the background of my workday.  But this song.  This damn song.  It always manages to work it's way into the ole ear drums and since I'm Angry Me now, everything drives me fucking crazy.  Especially hearing Mirrors 52 times before lunch. 

This weekend we road tripped to Boston.  And I made one of my besties explain the song to me.  It sounded so sweet.  And then I looked up the lyrics, and it IS so sweet.  Except it's been driving me bananas for the last few months because I am being force fed.  I like to think I am a rebel.  I will like shit because I like shit, not because everyone else likes shit.  And when a radio station jams music down my throat, I'm all "I hate this song!"  I will like it when I'm good and ready.  Well, this morning... This anxiety ridden morning, I decided I was good and ready.  I watched the video and was bawling like a moron at my desk.  It's precious and yanked at my cold heart strings.  Well played JT, well fucking played.

Anyway, every fun thing I do is usually followed up with anxiety.  I had a really great time this weekend with great people.  I go away and forget all of my problems.  I distract myself with new things and thoroughly enjoy myself to the point of making myself sick with frantic thoughts when I get home.  It sucks.  I have never been a fan of reality and a chance to escape is always a treat.  My relationship is fantastic, he is the love of my life.  But his ex is horrible.  And she is always ready, willing and able to bitch about something.  I'm so used to it that I can predict it now.  And it makes me sick.  And I let those thoughts creep in after the fun is over and it sucks.  So that's what's been picking away at my brain today.  So I finally gave in to watching the Mirrors video, cried my eyes out because it's fucking beautiful and now I'm here. 

I am strong.  I know I am.  I can deal with shit like a champ when people need me to.  I'm not really strong for me, but I'm strong so I can handle it.  It's so easy to say that life is too short and live life to the fullest.  When you are crippled with fear and anxiety, it's kinda hard to let everything go.  I'm like E.T. the Extraterrestrial.  I feel everyone else's feelings.  I try to be compassionate and kind when I can.  But I have to stop doing that.  Not stop caring, but stop taking on feelings that aren't mine.  I have always done that, so it's going to be really difficult for me to just stop, but I'm working on it.

My future is uncertain. And I feel like I'm running out of time to make decisions.  I know I'm still young, but it feels like yesterday that I was really young and had my whole life ahead of me.  I'm not where I should be according to certain standards, and I try to tell myself that it's ok.  On days like today, I sit and wonder if it's really ok or if I'm just saying it.  I think I'm ok with it. I don't want to live my life without special friend, so I guess it has to be ok if he's who I want to spend my life with.  I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to afford another place to live and will just be stuck in this studio apartment above this bitch who tortures me.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing the right things by my family.  I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough.  I'm just afraid.  It's crippling.  I don't usually let this feeling linger too long.  I should be ok by tomorrow.  I'm just not feeling well today and I'm extra mopey.  So call the wambulance I guess.

Oh and just a little side note/ helpful tip-- do NOT bother seeing the Hangover III.  What a fucking buzz kill.  I was amped to see it.  Bought my tickets in advance.  Awful and unnecessary.  Just, no.  Wait until one of your friends buys the DVD and watch it at their house.  Don't even waste the money on it. 

Anyway, I have to get back to work.  Sorry if this post is all over the place, but I did warn you. Hope everyone is having an ok evening, and if not, tomorrow is just around the corner.

Thanks for reading...

'cause I don't wanna lose you now,  I'm lookin' right at the other half of me... the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold... show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out, you were right here all along...  it's like you're my mirror...

Light 'Em Up...

a constellation of tears on your lashes... burn everything you love, then burn the ashes... in the end everything collides... my childhood spat back out the monster that you see...

It's been a while since I wrote.  Like, months and months.  I've been angry since that last post.  Angry at what?  Well... everything really.  Just an FYI, it's exhausting being angry all the time.  I was exhausted.  And so, changes needed to be made.  I couldn't keep being angry at people for no reason.  It was time to look within to see what the fuck was going on.  That's a scary situation.  Realizing that YOU are the problem. 

The blame game is really fun.  Like, so so fun.  Until there is no one to blame.  When you've managed to shove everyone away with your anger, there's no one left.  And not only are you exhausted because you're so busy being mad all the time, but you've managed to exhaust everyone around you that you give a shit about.  And that makes you angrier.  Sick cycle.  Story of my life.  I'm done being angry.  I am taking the proper steps now to find out who the hell I am.  I fucking hate it and love it at the same time.  I have learned to self loathe so much that I actually hated myself.  I was crawling in my skin every hour of every single day and I've just had enough.

I started going to therapy.  It needed to happen.  And it's not head shrinking, forever therapy. It's like talking to a friend.  And that is comfortable for me.  I can't do therapy where we talk about my life since birth and figure out what went wrong.  I can't go there again.  It's not necessary.  It's cognitive therapy.  Here's the problem, let's fix it.  And that's what I need.  In the past, I have always managed to self soothe and thought I was doing a good job.  Except I was doing a horrible job...

Picture a cup in the sink with one drop an hour dripping into it.  Same size drop every time.  Little drops.  But eventually all of those little drops manage to fill the cup.  And then it gets so full it starts to overflow.  That analogy has been brought to you by one of my older and wiser co-workers.  I can not take credit for it.  So, the cup.  Yea, that was me.  I was overflowing.  In real life, I was unraveling.  My first reaction to everything was anger.  It was making me physically sick.  And so, I'm currently working on how to not let that cup get to the point where it overflows. 

I like doing things for others.  It makes me happy.  The problem started to arise when I did things totally above and beyond for everyone.  Someone asks me for X, Y and Z and I end up giving them the whole fucking alphabet when they didn't ask for it.  And when they didn't react the way I expected, it hurt.  Now, they DID NOT ask for it so why would I give them everything when they only wanted something?  Well because I'm a girl that has codependent and abandonment issues and I'm forever searching for the acceptance of others so they don't leave me.  DUH. 

I can not change people.  I am one person.  I can change me.  I don't have to take the whole entire world on my shoulders.  I do not need to force my opinions on others.  If they don't agree, they don't agree.  It's not that serious.  I hear a problem and take it as my own.  That's ridiculous.  And it was eating me alive.  So no more of that.  I'm working on hearing a problem and then that's it.  Giving advice or whatever.  But it's not my problem.  I don't need to make myself sick over things that don't concern me.  Separating those things was HUGE and I'm working on it. 

I'm trying to make a better me.  Trying.  Work in progress and all that jazz.  I never thought in a hundred million years that at 32 years old I would be sitting here trying to piece myself together, but it needs to happen.  Before I marry someone and procreate.  I can't recreate my childhood with my kids.  I just can't.  I can't make them be my crutch for existence.  It's not fair and I guess subconsciously I always knew that and that's why I'm not married with children yet.  Thanks underlying thoughts that I don't even know exist!  See, being a nervous wreck has it's perks!  You're welcome unborn children!

Anyway, that's it for tonight.  This is a loaded post, but I plan on writing more.  The happier me is working her way out and I'm grateful.  Every day I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that I still have wonderful people in my life that continue to love me despite all of this bullshit.  Every day of my life is better because you people are the reason I live.  Not in a weirdo "I live for you" way.  Just in a grateful way.  You're the fuel to my ever dwindling fire and you keep me going and that's awesome considering what an animal I've been.  Just, thank you.

Ok, good night.

light 'em up, up, up... I'm on fire... (well, not anymore)

Beam Me Up...

so when I need you can I send you a sign... I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights... I'll pick a star and watch you shine... just beam me up, give me a minute, I don't know what 'd say in it... I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there holdin' your face...

The last 3ish months have been hell in my world.  Like in my head, just bananas.  I quit smoking.  3 months ago tomorrow.  I am like the bitchiest Tasmanian devil ever.  Like a lion in a cage.  At least that's what everyone is telling me.  Welp, I can either try to kick this fucking habit and get healthy or I can fucking smoke and make everyone else happy being regular old me.  I don't know, I just want a cigarette.  I don't feel better.  I'm just a crab cake that could maybe walk up the stairs without wanting to die.  I haven't even tested that out yet so I don't even know if that's true.  Anyway, I want a cigarette.  I can not stress that enough.

2013 has been a total let down so far.  We are almost 10 days in and it has been horrible.  The end of 2012 was awful and I put too much pressure on 2013.  That was my bad.  But seriously, I need good news.  Like I NEED it.  Like a crack fiend.  I am so damn depressed.  I'm crabby and depressed.  And I don't want to be around anyone because I'm afraid it will infect others and that's just something I can't handle right now.  I just keep hearing bad news and it's about people I give a really big shit about.  And I just can't cope.  Like, non smoker me has ZERO coping skills.  I just crawl into a ball and cry.  Or I get angry and my eyebrows are all the way down and my face looks like this  >:|  Sorry to use emojis right now, it was just easier than trying to paste a picture in here of what I look like all the time.

I have never hated the words Rest In Peace so much in my life.  I am tired of saying them.  I hate that special friend's mom passed away.  She was the sweetest little lady and was taken from us way too soon. I feel bad for special friend.  I know he's hurting.  That's his MOM, ya know?  Like I would just crumble into tiny pieces without my mom.  I wish I knew how to make him feel better, but that's his momma, and I don't know that you can get over something like that in a lifetime.  Heaven got another angel on Monday.  She's actually the perfect angel and I am really gonna miss her.  Beautiful Maria, no one deserves a spot in heaven more than her, I just wish it wasn't so damn soon.  When special friend's mom passed away I read a quote that was something like "a mother's death is the first time in your life that you cry without her".  Something like that.  And reading it broke my cold heart.  Because seriously, that's awful to think about.  And so when I think about her and I think about Maria, I can't help but think of that quote (even though I totally didn't quote it right) and think about the children who lost their mommas and how those tears are the first that she can't brush away for them.

On another shitty note, since I'm on such an awesome roll here... I had to put my best friend Boots to sleep.  Dude, I don't know if I'm ever going to be ok with that.  Just saying.  I hate being home.  I hate that he's not here.  Like, haaaate it.  And every time I think about it I cry hysterically.  I am totally typing through tears right now.  Over a cat?  YES over a cat.  He was my bestest bud and I don't know how to do this life thing without him.  We have faced the toughest parts of life together for the last 16 years and life is really fucking quiet and awful without him.  So there's that. 

The truth is that it blows being the ones left behind.  My mom always says that the ones that we love who are taken from us are in true paradise.  We are the ones suffering and living in hell.  In a way, I believe that.  We have all these fancy things to distract us, but we suffer.  Day in and day out.  Trying to do the best we can and not even knowing if we're doing that right.  My step-father passed away almost 12 years ago and not one day goes by where I don't think about him.  I'm happy he's at peace, but I'm sad that I haven't been ok since he died.  Maybe I should go talk to a therapist, but maybe now that I would have to pay for it myself I would rather self soothe thank you very much. 

Nothing about life is easy.  No one ever said it would be, I just didn't think it would be this hard.  I know it's not bad, we are just stuck in a world where self medicating is the way to go because there's no one to fucking talk to.  Everyone is busy with their own shit.  No one wants to hear about your shit.  Not even the therapists who get PAID to hear your shit.  They don't want to hear it either. And once you get to a good spot, you're like "Ok, I think I'm ok" WHAM a fucking curve ball.  It's constant.  The other shoe is always ready to drop and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  I'm not trying to be an asshole, we all know it's true. 

It's easy to say don't take it all for granted.  That's so easy to say, but we all do.  And that doesn't make us bad people, we don't have time to slow down.  Everything is happening too fast.  Everything is instantaneous and no one has patience anymore.  This is 2013.  The year Marty McFly went to in Back to the Future.  WHAAT?!  Yea.  We're there.  And so there's a lot of pressure on 2013 to be awesome and I hope that in the next 355 days it really bulks up and does something spectacular.  We could all use a little sparkle and shine and a little dose of happy after all the sadness 2012 brought.  Just someone please tell me some good fucking news so I can uncurl from the fetal position... I'm cramping...

Good night moon...
Thanks for reading...

beam me up.. let me be lighter, I'm tired of bein' a fighter... I think a minute's enough... just beam me up...